Are The Philadelphia Flyers Just Squeezing Their Dicks Too Hard Out There? An Investigative Report:

Welp. Seems like a pretty standard open-and-shut case to me. Consider this investigation over thanks to Detective Bill Clement. The Flyers are just squeezing their dicks too hard out there. Seems like an issue that they'll want to straighten out before game 3 on Sunday. But that could definitely explain why they were so dog shit today. Tough to get anything going when you're squeezing all the life out of your dick. Gotta let that thing breath a little, boys. Just relax. 

Anyway, time to get aggressively drunk and pretend like that game never even happened. Have a great weekend, everybody. Or at least everybody besides Justin Braun.