Yesterday, after doing one of my many late morning/early-afternoon urination sessions, I thought of something. I don't know if there is a single time I have ever peed, in a urinal, and not dribbled little urine droplets on myself a little bit afterward. Don't get me wrong, I try my absolute darnedest, but generally, even after I shake and shake and shake and shake and shake, no dice. It's like that small kink in a hose (very generous term to describe my personal equipment as such) that regardless of how long the water has been shut off for, is still going to have some left. Is it sometimes laziness? Yes. On occasion, while in a rush, have I probably made the mistake of a hasty amount of shaking and then unloading a bit more than I'm comfortable with out of the chamber post-piss? Yes.
However, as I walked out of the Barstool Sports bathroom with a couple wet dabs on my boxer-briefs, I raised a startling and horrifying question to myself. Is this normal? Is my penis broken? Am I the only disgusting pee-pants walking around here, or anywhere for that matter? In a blind panic, I took to the only group of people in my life that will ever pay attention to me, my Twitter followers.
A ton of my stress was immediately assuaged as the results started to pour in and I realized I was not alone, though there are still a considerable amount of liars among us, likely the same liars who claim they have never peed in a pool.
The 35% saying almost always are my compadres. Honest individuals. Thank you.
The 35% saying sometimes, I can get down with. I admitted to a bit of laziness earlier, and maybe, moving forward if I was to really focus on eliminating a few drops, I could get it done at least part of the time.
The 22% saying rarely? I have a hard time believing this. I am not going to say assuming they are lying to me, but rather lying to themselves. No skin off my back. Get your own shit (pee) together.
The 6% of people saying they never pee on themselves are just true frauds. If they believe this is true, then they're horrible mistaken and if they are just lying to me via anonymous twitter poll. Strange move. This is just such an audacious claim, I allowed it to upset me.
Sure, I could have stopped here. My nerves were calmed, I knew I was at least relatively normal, but that is not what I do here. I get paid too much sweet, sweet cash to pen these blogs to stop there. The next step was to find out what categories a few of those around me here at Barstool Sports fall into as well.
Brandon Walker: 50% of the time. There is a 0% chance Brandon doesn't pee on himself every time he means to, but I'd argue there is a considerable amount of accidental urination outside of this window as well.
Nick Turani: 100% of the time. Checks out.
Well, those were the only other people around in the office this morning that I felt comfortable enough to ask. I guess that's the problem with getting here bright and early to work as hard as I do. And they don't pay me that much sweet, sweet cash.
It's fine. It's normal. We wear underwear for a reason. Own it and stop lying to me, and more importantly, yourself.