Live EventUptown Balls vs. Nightmare (The Dozen: Trivia Competition pres. by High Noon, Match 124)Watch Now

Are You A Wealthy Stoolie? Well I've Got A Get Rich Scheme Centered Around This Little Fucking Bird From Delaware

Last night was the first night without hockey in a long time so I was scrolling through Netflix looking for something to watch and stumbled on this show called "Connected". It's about all sorts of weird shit, but there was one segment on that little song bird there in the video above. That is called a Veery. It's some type of songbird native to Delaware and it migrates all the way down to fucking Brazil for the winter. That's a long way for such a little bird. They leave their nests in Delaware and start heading south in either June or July. And they do that because they go right through hurricane alley in the Caribbean and guess what...they know when and how many hurricanes are coming during the hurricane season MONTHS in advance

"These birds have evolved in concert with storms in the fall, during their migratory period for, theoretically, thousands of years, if not more. It would make sense that they would, at some point, get in sync with the climate at a larger global scale," the researcher, Christopher Heckscher, told the Delaware News Journal.

"It turns out that in years they stop breeding earlier, there's more tropical storm activity on their migration route," Heckscher told the News Journal. "I thought of that idea, I tested the hypothesis, I looked at the data, but I really wasn't expecting there to be any relationship there. And it was a really strong relationship."

The research found that the thrushes laying more than the usual two to four eggs was also an indicator of a more severe hurricane season.

How the FUCK can a bird with the brain the size of a jolly rancher know when and how severe tropical storms are going to be months in advance? Those tropical storms aren't even a twinkle in Jim Cantore's eye and Veery birds are like "I think I felt a little wind picking up in Africa. Better lay a few more eggs and head south early". HOW?!?! That has been blowing my mind for about 24 straight hours now. Nature is incredible. How are we so smart, but can't tap into things like animals? 

This whole thing got me to thinking...about...The Social Network. There was that scene in the beginning where Zuckerberg is talking about how his friend made like $400k in a summer trading oil futures because he could predict how weather patterns would impact shipments of oil. Well now I(netflix) have found a way to predict the weather and I this is where you come in, wealthy stoolie investors. I need you to fund this project where I will hire some nerd at the University of Delaware to go into the woods looking for these birds in June and July. If he can't find any or he finds a shit ton of eggs, we(you and me with your money) invest in oil futures accordingly. I don't really know how to do that either, so you'll need to hire someone to do that as well. Then we split the profits from my great idea gen and your money 50/50. That to me sounds like a very successful partnership. Please inquire within. 

I will also be starting a kickstarter campaign called "Veery Good Investment" if this series A doesn't go well.