How Psycho Do You Have To Be In Order To Let Pigeons Eat Bagels Off Your Body?

There has always been a certain distrust in my brain towards people who feed pigeons and/or other birds. Stereotypically in movies and pop culture, its someone who may be a little older - no less than 100 years old, skin melting off their face - just to have it come across as innocent. It's almost like they make you wanna like the people who feed the birds, furthering their bird feeding agenda. Couldn't be me. This feeding random bird propaganda could very well tie into the larger conspiracy that birds - especially pigeons - aren't even real.

Giphy Images.

Yes, some real tinfoil hat shit that is highly unlikely but it's just a little food for thought. You never know these days.

Something about consciously spending precious hours of your life throwing seeds at a bunch of random fucking pigeons is… off to me. Who knows, maybe when you're a gazillion years old and your brain has effectively turned to mush, feeding birds is fun. Hopefully, I don't ever find myself in that position but a lot of things change in 60 fucking years. 


This guy’s a real ‘holy’ roller.

Ah boy. We're in for a fuckin doozy here, folks.

A Big Apple birdbrain tied bagels to his body and offered himself up as brunch to a hungry horde of pigeons, video posted online Tuesday shows.

“Alright, come on birds,” the man says as his guests are already feasting.

This is vastly different than just going to the park with some seed. Rest assured, the birds had a great time but as for this human - this monster - this is pre-crime if I've ever seen it. If covering yourself in bagels and commanding pigeons to then eat said bagels off you; you deserve to be in the looney bin. Simple as that. Stick him with the real sick puppies because that's where he fucking belongs. I wouldn't approach a pigeon walking on the streets on NYC, let alone let a gaggle of them pick away at my entire body. 

Does this guy has a bird feeding addiction of sorts? Perhaps he started off as a young, naive bird feeder with just a handful of seeds. It started out as a hobby but quickly turned into an obsession; he couldn't stop feeding the birds. Then more and more birds kept showing up, trying to get food from an easy, reliable source such as this young man. But the boy quickly realized that the number of birds kept multiplying to the point he had to do more, he had to break out… the bagel suit.

Giphy Images.

That's another good point; how long do you think it took this guy to concoct the bagel suit? I like to imagine a cramped NYC apartment draped with various blueprints of bird feeding concepts as if he was some faux bird superhero. Assembling the bagel web - so to speak - must've taken several hours itself. That's not even counting the gathering of the materials. We're talking about a heavily pre-meditated bagel feed, folks. Rare, I know, but it's real-life folks. It makes you wonder if this is a reoccurring thing. If this asshole is showing up to parks across the globe with such an outfit. For humanity's sake, I certainly hope not. 

As far as I'm concerned you can lock this guy up and throw away the key. If this isn't precrime, then I don't know what is. Typically showing up covered in strings and bagels - acting as a bird messiah of sorts - is a good sign that somebody is officially of their goddamn rocker, but what do I know? All I know is that this guy is a psycho and needs to be tended to immediately.

PS - for as much as feeding birds throws me off, never forget Brooks hoping his "pet" pigeon jake would show up on the outside world in Shawshank. pain.