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Cat Manages To Escape Police Custody After Being Detained For Smuggling Contraband Into "High Security" Prison

Prison is such a mystery to me. There's always been a small, small part of me that wanted to experience the prison life so-to-speak. It just seems like the grown-up version of sleepaway camp only with a lot more rules and criminals. Arguably two of the worst features of a sleepaway camp but hey, gotta take what you can get. 

Giphy Images.

At the same time, prison life isn't for me. Firstly, I'm not sure I'm capable of committing a crime foul enough to land me in jail. Secondly, it's very easy to just sit behind a keyboard and say "I could handle jail". Hell, there were 200 words written in the draft of this very blog, claiming I would "dominate" jail and become some sort of faux leader inside the prison. Then reality kicked in and I remembered that I'm a 20-year-old that makes jokes on the internet and shares a bedroom with his brother. Anyways, let's just see what this cat is all about. 


A cat detained at Sri Lanka's main prison while allegedly trying to smuggle drugs and cell phone SIM cards has escaped, media reports said Monday.

The feline was detected by jail intelligence officials on Saturday at the high-security Welikada Prison, a police official said.

He said nearly two grams of heroin, two SIM cards and a memory chip were found in a small plastic bag tied around the cat's neck.

Ok, first question; if this is a high-level prison, then how the fuck are cats just all over the place? What type of Sunnyvale Trailer Park shit is that? Again, I'm no expert on prison or anything, but if you remove the stray cats then you remove all possibilities that said cats could then be turned into drug cats. Except, of course, this was an outside cat trained specifically to avoid all detection and deliver the goods on a strict schedule. Unlikely but you can't rule out weird shit like that in an equally weird place such as Sri Lanka. 

It just feels like you shouldn't be allowed to call yourself a "high security" prison when there's a feline doing the fucking icky shuffle right in your kitchen. Yes, the cat is elusive and easily undetectable, you're right. But you're telling me nobody realized that some dude in this prison just casually had a cat friend that would bring him drugs and SIM cards? There was literally a whole fucking room in this place where the cat fucking LIVED and nobody noticed. Doesn't seem very high security to me but what do I know? Imagine being thrown in jail and just seeing a fucking cat with a nice corner office, slinging dope, and SIM cards. It's honestly the only thing I can picture when I think of this entire situation.

But it escaped on Sunday from a prison room where it was kept, the Aruna newspaper said.

The prison had reported an increase in incidents of people throwing small packets of drugs, cell phones and phone chargers over the walls in recent weeks.

This fucking cat probably runs the joint. It's really the only explanation. Everyone is always coming to thecatman in order to get the goods. All of a sudden the heat is on and the cat just mysteriously vanishes. Seems a little convenient, no? Makes you think this cat is on the take. I wonder if it's just the one cat or an entire network of cats getting all of these drugs into the prison. If so, I need to know who trained these suckers. I could barely get my fish to swim to my finger yet here this motherfucker is, getting cats to sneak into prisons. Kind of bullshit if you ask me. 

You just have to hope this jail cleans up its act. You can't be calling yourself some high-level jail when you've got literal pussies cutting backdoor deals, getting their own rooms. It's tomfoolery.