Welcome to the Sunday Sermon, where the topic for today is … counting the ways you can make a woman orgasm.
John Gray is the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, a book that declares that men and women are psychologically different and this explains why your girlfriend hates, you (despite the fact numerous psychological studies shows this isn’t true). He’s pushed this same shtick for nearly three decades and wore out its welcome about 20 years ago when Phil Donahue, Ricky Lake, and Sally Jessy Raphael went off the air.
Well, he’s back folks, only this time he’s here to teach you about the Nine Ways to Make a Female Orgasm.
In case you’re not interested in clicking on the piece, his list of 9 ways to get women to the top of the mountain is as follows:
Breathwork: Synchronized breathing together with no touching
Whole Body Kissing: Neck, armpits, behind the ears etc…
Push and Pull
Holy fuck. What exactly am I looking at here?
E spot? C spot? I’m blown.
Let’s deconstruct. Here is the moment I knew this guy was full of shit. It happened right after I read his first tip to get a girl off was through breathing exercises, sans licking, touching, or any other fun stuff.
Listen, as a gal that has written extensively about foreplay; touching and biting of the inner wrists and other hot spots in places that aren’t so obvious, I have to say… This dude is fucking out of his mind. While I agree that yes, meditation and breath work are important for all aspects of life, even sex, I tell you what, there is nothing -- NOTHING -- that can get me to the point where synchronized breathing is going to make me climax. Just will never ever be the case. I’m sorry.
Up next, let’s discuss how homie talks about making out. This is what Mr. Gray (no relation to Christian) says about kissing.
“Because of the breathing you just did, “there’ll be more salivation,” said Gray. He explains that an “orgasm” can happen as the kiss heats up, and your tongues are “penetrating” each other’s mouths.”
Is anyone else getting Steve Carel 40 Year Old Virgin “breasts like bags of sand” vibes? Did he just say “penetrating each other’s mouths”? He didn't, did he? Lordie, I’m beginning to think this guy doesn’t fuck… oh wait, he already admitted he was celibate. Oh, and also, he was an actual fucking MONK at one point in his life.
I’m not telling you how to live your life, but taking tips on how to get your woman off from a celibate monk might not be the bestest of ideas.
Lastly, and this part had me in tears, clergyman’s tip about the “C spot.” Don’t know what the C spot is? That’s ok, I didn’t know that was a thing either. The C is for “cervix.”
Apparently, that is where ALL the pleasure is, despite the fact that most women hate going to the gynecologist because a q-tip to the cervix feels so weird, painful and gross that they’d rather risk cervical cancer than to go through that process 2x a year. But, hey, why not try inserting something 100x larger than a q-tip and see if that does the trick?
This is the kind of sex advice that could only happen on a podcast that recommends putting a shitload of butter in your coffee as a way to get healthy. What’s next, Demon sperm?
You’d be better off taking sex tips from the Finger King.
Here’s the bottom line. It’s not rocket science. Getting a woman to climax really boils down to communication -- finding out what she likes and then NOT doing the things she doesn’t like. You really don’t need breathing exercises or “more salivation” that comes from “penetrating her mouth.” Gross. Leave that for the celibate monks and the 14-year-olds who’ve never kissed before.
And here’s the other thing. You can’t really learn to get a girl off by reading a book. You can read a book on Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu but it’s not the same thing as rolling on the mat. Also, keep in mind that every woman is different. What might work with an ex might not work with the woman your with right now. That’s why you need communication.
John Gray has spent his life profiting off teaching adults how to “communicate” about things like sex, and yet he thinks porn is as evil as heroin and that the key to sex with a woman is as simple as raising her estrogen levels. “We have to go back to old-fashioned dating skills where you actually have to take time to stimulate the right hormones to create the magic of attraction,” he notes as if that solves bad sex.
And for the ladies out there, if you’re on a date with a guy who lists all the different ways he makes a woman orgasm? Pretty sure that one’s not gonna work out (Steven Cheah being the lone exception).