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77-Year-Old Mass. Man Tries To Go Out With A Bang

On July 18th, A 77-year-old Massachusetts man was arrested and now faces several charges including assault with a dangerous weapon and open and gross (emphasis on the gross) lewdness.  Police were called to an area just off the exit to the main highway in Falmouth, Mass, where a man was reportedly swearing violently at pedestrians as he swerved at them with his vehicle.  Things nearly turned deadly, however, when the unnamed man spotted a sea of red MAGA hats being sold on the side of the road.  

Seeing red, the unnamed man repeatedly jumped the curb and played chicken with the street vendor all while flipping him off out of the driver's side window.  The driver then left the scene for a brief moment, but quickly returned for one last shot at the vendor.  The driver sped up as he came down the road, made a beeline for the vendor, and attempted to hop the curb once more.  Only this time, the man's tire popped sending the car out of control and nearly into the vendor.  

The unnamed man then exited the vehicle and quickly dropped his pants and underwear in one swift pull while reportedly shouting "suck on this!" before charging the vendor.  Once on top of the vendor, witnesses say the man spit and "swung" at him, but was quickly pushed off.  It's not clear whether it was a closed fist or a gripped up dong swung at the vendor, but that's best left up to the imagination. 

The man was somehow able to escape in his vehicle, but not before witnesses were able to snap a picture of his license plate.  Police tracked the plates to the driver's home and found the man sitting in his backyard with a glass of scotch in hand.  Again, it's not clear whether he was dressed or not, but you can assume that anyone that draws hog that quickly in public probably doesn't wear anything when he's in the comfort of his own home.  The man was promptly arrested, but not before calling the officers "Trump supporters" and spewing slurs at the lady cop on scene.  

AND IT DOESN'T END THERE.

Once down at the station, the man proceeded to cause a ruckus, cursing at officers and threatening to kill the President.  He was isolated to help calm him down and that's when he unrolled the toilet paper onto the floor, pissed on it, and then reached his hand "deep into his butt crack — smearing his hands and fingers along the walls and door of the holding cell."  The man was released on bail to some poor bastard later that evening and the department now has to pay to have their whole holding area sanitized.  On his way out, as a parting gift to all the officers who treated him so well, the man apparently reached back into his poopy palet for one last smear down the walls of the stairway.  

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