Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Who Tried To Cash A Check Worth $368 Billion Dollars To Start An Underwater Italian Restaurant While Carrying Bath Salts And Throwing Stars?

FLORIDA! – Jeff Waters walked into a Bank of America Monday morning and attempted to cash a check for $368,000,000,000 dollars. The check Waters had written to ‘Cash’ was reportedly from U.S. Bank of Idaho and issued in the 90s. Tellers at the Jacksonville bank were immediately suspicious. Waters explained to bank officials a homeless man named Tito Watts sold him the blank check several months ago for $100 and told Waters the check would clear for any amount of money that Waters wanted to write it for. Waters wanted the $368 billion to start an Italian restaurant. “It’s always been my dream to own the best Italian restaurant in the earth,” Waters told police. “I’m 10% Italian. Cooking authentic Italian food is in my blood. I had planned to make the restaurant 80 million sq. feet and able to accommodated (sic) 30 million eaters at once, plus it was gonna be totally underwater so people could look at sharks while they ate. But the bank wouldn’t give me my money they owed me. Tito said the check was good for any amount I wanted to write it for. So blame Tito, not me. I’m as innocent as a schoolgirl.” In addition to a forgery count, Waters was charged with unlawfully carrying Chinese stars and possessing bath salts. He was released after posting $23,000 bail.

Just when you think the state of Florida was tapped out of material for the internet, one of its residents pulls a stunt like this…and totally redeems themselves! Good on Jeff Waters for shooting for the stars with 9 zeros and an 8 too many. Can’t an honest Joe cash a check from the ’90’s to start up the greatest, Goddamn underwater Italian restaurant in the Earth anymore? I thought this was America. It doesn’t matter if Jeff Waters looks like Cousin Eddie LOADED up on bath salts after falling into a full shitter, the man had a dream. Fuck Tito for ruining all hope before it even began.

That mugshot should be Shutterstocked as the universal logo of “Does This Look Like The Face Of A Man Who…”. This story could have involved Jeff Waters doing anything from taking a nap on a park bench to him trying to helicopter around the Everglades by twirling his dick as the propeller and nobody would bat an eye.

PS – How the FUCK did this guy find a way to get $23K to bail him out of the slammer? Even if it was 10%, how did he get his hands on $2,300? I don’t even have two nickels to rub together between every meal consisting of either pasta, cereal or canned goods and this guy is closer to opening up his Guido paradise under the sea than I ever will be. Fuck Tito, again.

h/t John