Barstool's Midweek Soccer Guide (Part I)

Sam's Army4/28/2015 6:20 PM

Sam’s Midweek Soccer Guide (Part I)

Sup haters, got some midweek soccer action about which to inject some knowledge into your brains to sit back, relax and enjoy the pictures… and/or words for those of you who swing that way.

But before we jump into that, some of you may have heard about a potentially embarrassing X-rated cell phone video tape that was making the rounds this past weekend allegedly shot by Tottenham’s Kyle Walker and depicting a canine making sweet (oral) love to his ladyfriend.

In an effort to squelch the rumours, Walker took to facebook to rebut the allegations and threatening legal action. I was informed by Barstool’s legal team not to post the video, but here’s a dramatic re-enactment:

Now on to the game(s)…

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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

I’ll leave off the full recap of this weekend for the weekly post on Friday, and instead focus on today’s matchup between Hull and Liverpool.

Hull (+325)
Liverpool (-110)
Draw (+240)

Word for the day: motivation.

Liverpool is banged up (Sturridge is done for the year… not that that’s a huge loss with the way he’s been playing) and more importantly not playing all that well. The players still have something to play for in the sense that they’ll want to lock up a Europe League spot for next season, though speaking as a Spurs fan who has watched my club “fight” for a Spursday night soccer slot at the end of many seasons, club’s hearts often aren’t totally in it. (Brendan Rodgers, on the other hand, might be coaching for his job going down the stretch after crashing out of the FA Cup, but I’ll leave that discussion for another time.)

Conversely, Hull is fighting for survival in the EPL – and actually doing a pretty good job of it lately, having won three out of six at home (which excludes a rather impressive 2-3 loss to champions-elect Chelsea last time out). Even so, the Tigers are still just one point clear of 18th-place Sunderland and every point at this juncture could be the difference between remaining in the top flight and getting your wages slashed as a result of having to play next season in the Championship.

Another glaring issue for Liverpool will be scoring goals. With Sturridge out, Rodgers’ could have gone with another make-shift line-up involved Coutinho or Sterling up top, but it sounds likely that he’s going to select Mario Balotelli again. Here’s a telling graphic of Balotelli’s offensive (double entendre!) “output” this season (via the Telegraph):

Wow. Yikes. No thanks. There are all sorts of bets available involving Hull (+0.5) or draw-no-bet… and that’d probably be the smart play, but scared money don’t make money so I’m going Hull to win 2-1.

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REST OF EUROPE

La Liga: 1st-place Barcelona welcome sacrificial lamb 13th-place Getafe (2pm ET on beIN Sports) but unfortunately this probably won’t be posted in time to beat kickoff. Lo Siento. Here’s a pictorial apology.

Serie A: 13th-place Udinese host 9th-place Inter Milan (2:45pm ET on… um some sketchy Russian website, maybe?)

Bundesliga: Bayern host Dortmund (2:30pm ET on GolTV) in the semifinal of Germany’s FA Cup equivalent.

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INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONS CUP

Soccer Twitter was really excited about today’s unveiling of this summer’s schedule for the ICC tournament and, well, yeah here it is:

I find it hard to get too excited about summer friendlies – even those being played by some of the best players in the world – because the only reason the games are scheduled is for “commercial exposure” and you never even know how many of the ‘stars’ you’ll actually see until just before the game.

One observation that I – as a proud member of ‘Flyover Country’ – couldn’t help but notice is the geographical representation of the games that have been scheduled, and more notably where they have NOT been scheduled. Sorry non-coastal MLS cities. Maybe vote Democrat next time and Obama will force Guinness take a more socialist approach to the scheduling.

(Note: the schedule includes THREE games at Red Bull Stadium and, yes, all you geographical nazis, I ignored Portland because it is within easy driving distance of Seattle and Vancouver because they too high on heroin to give a shit about some dumbass glorified friendly soccer practices. “But what about Montreal?” They aren’t officially in MLS until they win a game – duh.)

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Aight din. Check ya’ll on Friday.