Holy SHIT. Did Tim Burton actually do something right when he made Charlie And The Chocolate Factory? I know simply giving an audition to someone is a low bar to clear for a big name Hollywood director in charge of a movie with a $150 million budget. But I am still gonna give that weirdo some props for giving The Rock a shot at reprising a big time role before he became a big enough movie star to willfully start calling himself Dwayne Johnson in all his films.
Whenever I am asked a question that requires answering about an awesome human being, my answer is The Rock every time.
Q: Which person has the highest approval rating on the entire planet?
A: The Rock
Q: If you had to send one person to represent humanity in a meeting with aliens, who would it be?
A: The Rock
Q: Who has so much charisma that they could actually star in a Tim Burton movie about a beloved franchise and overcome all the creepy overtones Burton adds to it for nooooooo reason at all which causes everyone in the audience to mourn their childhood as they leave the theater?
A: The Rock
I get that Willy Wonka was a recluse not to mention lankier than Snoop Dogg in the books and The Rock has a completely different body type than Gene Wilder did when he crushed the role in the 70s (to be clear, this is before The Rock turned into the real life version of The Mountain).
Yet despite all that and not realizing it until I saw The Rock's Instagram today, there is oddly nobody I would want to rock that top hat and eccentric suit more than THE MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN
SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TODAY. Rock Wonka probably couldn't get away with threatening to turn the candy factory sideways and shove it up all those shitty kids' roody poo candy asses. But he would've been the perfect fit to talk that shit to both the awful kids as well as their equally awful parents that made them such terrible humans and the thought of the Oompa Loompas willingly leaving their homeland to become unpaid labor for someone as with a personality magnetic as The Rock's actually checks out. And before anyone asks if The Rock's appeal plays in kids movies, let me remind you that he crushed his role in what is at worst a Top 3 Disney movie ever if not the GOAT.
Instead, we got Count Dooku doing dental work on the guy who is constantly in the news these days for being a shithead.
Fuck you, Tim Burton. Now someone give The Rock a top hat along with a chocolate factory and lets cook!