Since Phil Jackson Won't Represent The Knicks At The Lottery, I Break Down The Top 10 People That Could/Should
ESPN- It’s unclear at this point who will represent the New York Knicks at the draft lottery. But it doesn’t sound like Phil Jackson is interested. “It’s a fascinating process. I don’t want to be there to do it,” Jackson said on Tuesday. Jackson hasn’t decided who will represent the Knicks at the lottery on May 19. Assistant general manager Allan Houston and baseball legend Reggie Jackson represented New York in 2009, the last time they were in the lottery.
That tweet is an extremely frightening thought for every Knicks fan in the universe. I did not just endure watching the worst season any of my teams have ever had so one of those three bozos could go to the NBA draft lottery and completely kill any chance the Knicks have at winning the first overall pick. So I decided to list out the options of people that could represent the Knicks at the lottery next month (from worst to best):
10. James Dolan
Clearly the worst possible option to represent the team. By far the most terrible actual human on this list, so there is no positive karma possibilities coming from Dolan. And if New York gets the first pick, even the most diehard Knicks fans will kind of hate to see James Dolan happy. And of course, there is always a chance that he whips out that fucking kazoo if the Knicks win the lottery.
Also, I will not even bother putting Steve Mills on this list. He couldn’t be more of a Dolan puppet unless Jimmy Kazoo literally had his arm up Mills’ ass. Steve Mills going to the lottery is the same as Dolan going to the lottery.
9. Derek Fisher
Less than a year ago, I would have loved any team’s odds that sent Derek Fisher to represent them during the lottery. I don’t want to say the shot he hit against the Spurs way back when was lucky, but it was SOMETHING. And Fisher always seemed to come through when it mattered during his playing days. Having that kind of mojo working for your team has to be a good thing. But then I saw him coach 82 games and couldn’t have less faith in another human being (other than the aforementioned James Dolan). Not a good endorsement for the guy who will be leading the men on the Knicks roster for (probably) the next few years. I watched Fisher lose 65 games this season to get us to this spot, I don’t need him to be the person that ruined all his hard bad work. Oh yeah, and of course, this speech:
8. The Guy Who Quit His Job So He Could Go To Every Knicks Game This Season
Send either the unluckiest or dumbest (or both) guy in the world with the future of the franchise hanging in the balance? No thanks. And while we are talking about fans who are lost, I’ll lump Spike Lee with this guy. I didn’t list him initially because I thought he repped the Knicks already in the past, but the league didn’t allow it. Spike was once the unofficial mouth piece for Knicks fans, but I feel like his act (as well as his actual old ass human) has gotten kind of tired. I feel like many of the people who saw those “In The Annapolis” commercials were asking “Who is that short guy with Charles Barkley and Samuel L. Jackson”? I can also never forgive him after he admitted on Mike Francesa’s show that he used to be a Mets fan but switched to the Yankees in the 90s. You cannot fully trust somebody who does that.
7. Carmelo Anthony
First of all, there is a 0% chance Melo would want to go to this. He would probably rather go to meetings about the startups he may invest in or do anything else in the world other than sitting in a room with a bunch of bozos as an accounting firm broke down math to see who got the first pick. Plus we would probably have to see him wear one of those stupid ass hats.
6. A Random Ex-Knick from the 90s
In the past, the Knicks have sent guys like Allan Houston and John Starks to the lottery. They could do the same with Larry Johnson or some other ex-player that works in fan relations. This has been done and doesn’t seem to work. In the initial writing of this blog, I failed to mention Charles Oakley. Oak is my favorite player of all-time, so leaving him off the list altogether was a massive oversight. The thought of Oakley just going on stage and placing the Knicks in the one spot and everyone else being too scared to stop him makes me laugh. But for that to happen, Oakley and Dolan would need to have a sitdown to hash things out, since they are apparently beefing. And if Oak ever was in the same room as that dickhead, he would probably knock Dolan’s block off. There is only one Knick from the 90s that could possibly bring the Knicks the one pick, and that is…
5. PA-TRICK EWING (Said in the MSG announcer’s voice)
I don’t know what Ewing did to cause the franchise to act so cold to him, but there is no denying that the Knicks have done him dirty over the years. Say what you want about the Yankees, but they take care of their own, even if it takes years of healing on either side. Patrick Ewing is probably the most under-appreciated superstar in New York sports history, so having him represent the Knicks would be a perfect way to bury the hatchet and embrace Ewing. Not to mention the whole “30 year anniversary since the Knicks won the lottery and basically drafted Ewing on the spot” thing. Kind of works perfectly. Of course the man that represented the Knicks that day has since passed away (RIP Dave DeBusschere), so Ewing would be the next best pick. Speaking of which…
4. David Stern
If you wanted to ENSURE that the Knicks would get the number 1 pick of the draft, David Stern would be New York’s ace in the hole. For those that don’t know the story, 1985 was the first year of the lottery, which was suspiciously the same year one of the most hyped college players ever was coming out in the draft (the aforementioned PA-TRICK EWING!) and the NBA team in the most important city in the world (NYC, duh) had a bad enough season to give them a chance to win the number 1 pick. After the Knicks won, there were rumors that Stern had rigged the draft. Was the corner of the Knicks envelope bent down so Stern would know which envelope to pick? Was the Knicks’ draft envelope frozen with dry ice so the guy from Earnst and Whinny knew which envelope to bend? There is some suspicious stuff on the internet that would lead you to believe that. So because of this, nothing would make me more confident in the Knicks winning the draft lottery than seeing David Stern come out of the shadows with a Knicks jersey on like vintage Vince McMahon while Adam Silver had piss dripping down his leg.
Anyway, here are two YouTubes about the 1985 NBA lottery.
This is the actual telecast of the lottery. Dave DeBusschere looks like the happiest dude on the planet at the end:
This is the conspiracy theory video of it. You can scroll to 1:15 for the actual footage of the “fix”:
3. Walt ‘Clyde’ Frazier
Clyde is the unofficial mascot of the Knicks, and I say that in the most sincere way possible. He is the coolest person on the planet and helped lead this franchise to the only two championships it has ever won. Just sending him to the lottery and making all the other teams’ representatives feel inferior by his presence alone could be enough for a Knicks W. But we would need to hammer the pick home. If Clyde wears the cow suit, I just don’t see how the Knicks don’t get the number 1 pick. I also hope for this to happen because it has been less than a week since the Knicks’ season ended and I already miss seeing Clyde on my TV.
2. Me
I am going to make my case short and sweet. You see those 9 green Ws up there? I deliver wins. I started wearing a suit for good luck during Mets games and the team hasn’t lost since then. The #SuitUp movement has taken over the streets of NYC and the Mets winning streak is just the beginning. Yes New York, I will be your hero* (*as long as the ESPN’s cameras only show the bottom half of my face during the lottery).
1. Anthony Mason’s Kids
Mase was a true New Yorker on and off the court. He was tough as nails and represented the city in everything he did. The one good thing I saw in his death was how many great stories came out about him and how much the sports world noticed when it happened. Mason was a self-made man and I think sending his kids to represent his hometown team would be the right move. Do the right thing, Phil.