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I Think I Owe Tempur-Pedic Mattresses A Massive Apology

During yesterday's Chaps and Kate show Chaps brought up something I've told him, either in privately or on radio (I forget because these lines blur), that I haven't bought a pillow in 15 years. That's pretty true. I don't have a CLUE when the last time I bought a pillow was and, to be honest, I probably never have. I'm sure I grabbed two pillows when I moved out of my parents' house and I've had those two pillows since that day. They're fine. They're the color and width of manilla envelopes but just fold them both in half and stack them on top of each other and it works. I don't need more than that, I'm not a king.

Well that got a rather less sexy version of pillow talk going and someone recommended I buy a Tempur-Pedic one

I did not react well to this recommendation 

While at dinner and having a few drinks I got this response

One. Single. Tear. Emoji. It was legitimately heartbreaking. I pictured an actual mattress shedding one, slowly dripping tear like The Crying Indian. I swear to god I've never received a tweet in my life that made me feel so bad, and this was from a brand, not even a sentient being. I felt awful. 

But, while I'm sitting around the table, having laughs and cries over this response and talking about Tempur-Pedic, I slowly came to a particularly harrowing revelation: I don't have a Tempur-Pedic bed. I'm just an idiot and thought all those kinds of beds where you can jump on one end and the wine won't fall on the other are called tempurpedic. You know, like how what's a kleenex and what's a facial tissue is a line that gets blurred. But I never would've been so mean in my tweet if I knew Tempur-Pedic was an actual brand and not a more broad thing. You know what I mean? I'm not out here to hurt feelings, I just want to make some jokes and a few outrageous statements. People or brands, I don't want to make you cry. So I deeply apologize to Tempur-Pedic for the confusion.

HOWEVER, I bet Tempur-Pedics stink. Form-fitting mattresses stink. You wake up every fuckin' morning in a canyon like that 127 Hours dude and you've gotta fight to crawl your way out. You back hurts, your shoulders hurt, everything hurts. I have a form fitting mattress, or whatever the fuck they're called because apparently it's not tempurpedic, and I swear to god I haven't been excited to go to bed in forever. I always joke that the couch is my bed and I sleep on it most nights. You know why? I hate my goddamn bed. 

Plus, you ever had sex on a memory foam mattress? Oh my god it's like running in sand. It's kinda the same, but way harder. You'd have better luck fucking on the floor, at least there it's unique which hopefully covers up the fact that you're getting absolutely no help from the springs. About 99% of my sex game is based on the springs pushing a girl back into me. I've got no hips so I just basically punch the bed like a superhero and hope for a ripple effect to send her back my way. Every time I have sex it's a threesome, me and my boy Springs are tagteaming you. With a memory foam she might as well be falling into the Sunken Place and I'm just chasing a dream. 

So in conclusion, I am sorry to Tempur-Pedic and also fuck memory foam.

PS - I'm pretty sure my mattress at my parents' house is a bonafide Tempur-Pedic and I feel the same way.