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Remember Four Loko?

I saw this tweet just moments ago and instantly put a little puke in my mouth. Goddamnit Joey. One second I'm arguing with people on twitter because they're mad I marginally "spoiled" the results of a daily live stream. The next I'm vaguely reminiscing about the worst days of my ruthless, scumbag early 20's. Because no doubt, 9 years ago I was also grabbing a four loko in the shower. And this was back when they had the original formula of 969 mg of caffeine (8 red bulls), 8 ounces of malt liquor and whatever kind of chemicals and antioxidants that make you black out and fight a room of strangers. That was the original sauce and for a brief period of time, it was delicious.Then consumers actually started dying (I think?) and a bunch of angry people got the federal government to regulate the product for a small fee that the FBI calls a bribe. Some states pulled it from their shelves completely while others ushered in the new tallboys. It would still make you sick but the chaos was gone. I've survived my fair share of adderall/four loko/jameson pregrames and I'm here to talk about it:


Am I alone? 

Absolutely not. If I was, I wouldn't be writing this shit. But I know deep down this is a cross many of us have carried over time and I'll be damn if I don't go on record that I'm so fucking happy these days are over. I mean realistically you're lucky to be passed out by 5am. You had Subway at 3:30. You got kicked out of Beaumonts and that girl's probably not texting you back tomorrow after you called her friend a slut because she said your friend Bobby was too short. (You 2 are boys so you take that shit personally.) Rewind even further you probably fought with a cab driver. Opened up at least 2 negligent tabs. Forgot to close one. There's half a pack of cigs in your jeans pocket but no sign of a belt. Where's your belt? And worst of all is the NFL noon games kick off in 8 minutes and you don't have a charge on your phone. At 11:58 you rush through the board, accidentally taking the Dolphins +7 at home for $500 when you meant $50. They lose by 31 to the Colts and your weed guy is on family vacation. Have a nice Sunday!

And not to be full hardo, but this went on for MONTHS. Throwing a couple four lokos into the 7-11 order officially became part of the routine. Then maybe around Christmas of 2011 someone in the group spoke up. 

Anyone else feel like this is kind of fucking with us? You know like actually fucking with us? 

We didn't see it coming but there was a brief Four Loko intervention. We agreed the risk wasn't worth the reward. But deep down me and another guy weren't ready to call it quits so whenever we'd go out together just us 2 for the next year, we'd still start with Four Lokos. Pretty hard to teach old dogs new tricks but I broke out eventually. And as I said before and I'll repeat once more: