Holy moly, NFL. Slow your roll, Patriots.
Can't a guy just be on his third New England IPA of a lazy Sunday night without out all hell breaking loose? Can't a fella just relax in front of Netflix without the most newsworthy dynasty since Genghis Khan rolled uncheck throughout Asia dominating the news cycle?
I had barely put my beer aside and processed Adam Schefter's report that Bill Belichick had signed Cam Newton - the 2015 NFL MVP and the QB who led his team to a 15-1 season - for the veteran minimum to me his third string backup, then the league immediately went to Schefty to put it out there they were punishing New England for a crime the NFL itself couldn't identify.
But since the past is prologue and time is a flat circle, of course Roger Goodell was going to punish this franchise over nothing. He can't allow them to win the news cycle with the most discounted, bargain bin singing in the history of signings without trying to steal the spotlight. So he has to take away a third round pick over this dried out, flame-broiled, overcooked nothingburger. The beautiful thing is that by the end of training camp, Belichick will undoubtedly trade Cam Newton to some failed, desperate team for a third rounder higher than the one Ginger Satan just took from him over nothing.
All I ask is that on the memo line of that $1.1 million dollar check, Mr. Kraft writes "Piss Up a Rope, You Thin-Lipped Jerk Off." You know Goodell will cash it regardless.
P.S. Cam Newton is our backup QB.