Aubrey Huff's Advanced Stats Prove That "Hey Sugar Tits" Deserves More Playing Time

I think one of my baseball colleagues will be blogging this entire fight. For now I want to chime in as someone who has been in a clubhouse and seen a lot of flaccid baseball dicks and participated in countless arguments with this subspecies of human beings. And in that vain I can't possibly begin to tell you how much I love a good old fashioned "Hey Sugar Tits" from all time worldclass jagoff Aubrey Huff. Is that a Tampa-based stripper or one of MLB's most outspoken big names? The way Aubrey Huff says it you would have no idea who he was talking to. He's that kind of natural scumbag, which the world of professional sports is rapidly pushing towards extinction. The kind of guy you respect only for his ability to square up velocity and hit 2-out doubles. That's a short list of positive traits for someone with 242 career home runs and it's because he's just a massive piece of rotting shit. 

In the other corner is the type of guy that wants to pull out his phone at a house party and compare Wins Above Replacement Baseball Reference vs. Wins Above Replacement Fangraphs. Last time I called him an asshole, all you guys told me to kick rocks and pound sand. Probably because he goes on Starting 9 or whatever but personally I find him to be insufferable. I mean absolutely positively insufferable and that's putting it nicely. But even so it's not even close to being as bad as Huff which brings me back to the phrase Sugar Tits and away from this internet beef.  

I know it doesn't technically apply here but I hope we don't completely cancel rookie and veteran hazing. Just the idea of an old salty veteran in a clubhouse being an asshole and having shit handed to him makes me so happy. Again this isn't a direct application but I'm just sitting here thinking that when baseball finally resumes I hope Jon Lester can still have a dozen beers and roast a chicken in the Cubs home clubhouse without catching shit from the public. They better not get rid of the pink backpacks and roll out friendship bracelets and all that. You can take the DH and do whatever you want just don't rob me of my Hey Sugar Tits and the like. Not when we're out here trying to compete for a championship.