Not quite sure I've heard of a situation where sticking something up your butt, without removing it, has ever panned out (excluding Ryan Dunn's toy car, of course). It could just be this whole quarantine thing but there has been a rather alarming amount of people just losing things in their butts. While I'm not exactly sure how someone could mistakenly lose a ten-inch chopstick up their ass, it's certainly happened this quarantine.
A chopstick, however, is NOT - I repeat, is NOT - a live fucking animal. If you're running around sticking LIVE ANIMALS up your ass then you deserve everything that comes with it. No excuses.
A Chinese man nearly died after allegedly inserting a wiggling 16-inch eel into his backside to treat his constipation.
The live fish tore through the man's intestines before dying and getting stuck in his abdomen for a week, doctors said.
The unnamed patient, said to be in his 50s, claimed he decided to use the creature to solve his bowel problems after following a folk remedy.
Honestly, what'd this guy expected? This eel goes on a heroic journey through his intestines and somehow makes him unconstipated? Maybe he should've contacted, ya know, a real fucking doctor to see how to treat constipation rather than just shoving some random shit in there. He could've even asked the doctor:
"Hey doc, would it help if I stuck an uncomfortably large eel up my ass"
Sure, he would've probably been laughed out of the room filled with any sort of medical professional but I'd argue that's far better than nearly dying because you read some folk story about some fake human who probably never even existed. He might as well go looking for the three little pigs. Perhaps he'll bump into Rumpelstiltskin amongst his release from the hospital.
It's just unfathomable that this 50-year-old has lived the majority of a lifespan only to go and try to throw it away by doing some stupid shit like this. My brain can't honestly think of a worse way to go than death by an eel busting up your guts. Even trying to picture having a live animal squirming around in my body makes me unhappy. This guy should just his lucky stars that this eel didn't bust through his chest like a scene out of Alien.
He has fully recovered after medics removed the dead fish from the man's belly during emergency surgery, according to a social media post from the hospital.
Dr Li from the hospital told the local media: '[We] suspected that there was a foreign object in his abdominal cavity from a CT scan. But we couldn't tell where it came from.'
The patient then underwent an emergency abdominal operation after his condition became life-threatening, the medic said.
The surgeons were shocked to discover the dead eel while conducting the surgery.
It's good to hear he survived this whole ordeal but I feel like you have to tell the doctors there's an eel up in your guts. You can't just be walking in there all coy, afraid to spill the beans of truth. Like bro, they'll find out in two minutes when they do an x-ray and literally see another fucking animal inside of you - might as well cut to the chase and save everyone some time.
I will say, there is a small part of me that admires his will power to battle that eel and get it up into his ass. 16 inches of live eel is no joke. Fighting, slithering, biting.. you name it, this guy more than likely had to deal with it. There's a photo of the actual eel in the article and I must say, I could never.
Then again, I'm not nearly stupid enough (i think) to try and follow some bogus fairy tale about how it cures constipation. Maybe try working in a fiber one bar or two before you go sticking random animals up your asshole. There are probably millions and millions of remedies for constipation, just a few keyboard clicks away!