Who *The Fuck* Is Responsible For These Nationwide, Nightly Fireworks?

I can't speak for everyone, but I know that fireworks season in Boston starts around the fourth of July and runs for about a fortnight each and every summer. Sometimes you'll get a stray fireworking in August, but it's typically kept within that two week period. This has not been that. I saw the tweets before I heard them. Last week was when it became "more than a coincidence" with people in different circles in extremely different parts of the country complaining about a nightly fireworks show they did not ask for. Now it's gotten to the point where it's a meme because of how goddamn frequent these fireworks are going off everywhere. The initial, weak ass theory has been that people are bored from Coronavirus. Folks have been stuck inside for months and need a release of some sort. So naturally that means they left their own states amidst a lockdown in search of a neighboring state that sells fireworks. This is the explanation people believe is feasible. I think that could explain one fireworks display here and there. NATIONWIDE NIGHTY FIREWORKS DISPLAYS LASTING FROM ANYWHERE BETWEEN TWO AND SEVEN HOURS??? I don't buy it. It doesn't smell right. 

The more sinister theory out there is that this is a wartime tactic used to disrupt the populous, causing sleep deprivation and conditioning the mind to loud booms and chaos for when the shit goes down. This may come as a surprise to most of you, but I am not a wartime tactician. That is not one of the tools in my box, I am ashamed to admit. So I have no idea how bat shit crazy or extremely viable this theory may be. But why discount it? In this year? 2020? That wouldn't be a top 100 unbelievable storyline to come out of this dogshit year. 

I don't know who is causing this, what their goal is, when it will end, but I do want to say something important here and now. I'm unsure if I've ever gone on the record publicly with this but there's no time like the present to get it out there. Fireworks fucking STINK. I'm sure back when years counted down towards zero they were an electric form of entertainment. Back before colors weren't a part of every day life, a series of giant explosions in the sky for 15 minutes probably made your entire year. Then, like, television was invented and we as a society progressed past the need to ever see a firework ever again. Windows 95 screensavers had as good of fireworks as New York City on the fourth of July. Don't even get me started on the visualizer on WINAMP. If you want to see colors and shapes you have no control over take some fucking acid like an adult and keep the loud explosions that scare dogs and vets to yourself. Grow up, Peter Pan.