Some story hit last night accusing the Biebs sexually assaulting a girl back in 2014. Bieber hopped on the Bird and brought THE RECEIPTS. I mean that literally - dude had Air BnB receipts and Westin receipts proving he never stayed at the hotel the alleged incident happened at. He had email confirmations. He had tweets from random fans about where they spotted him in town in LA. He had screenshots with Selena in the background with him at SXSW the night he was supposedly assaulting this girl. I mean dude built a whole Twitter Case in like a day. He was like Tom Cruise in a Few Good Men. He shoulda tweeted at the end of all this, DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED!!
If you're interested in that whole saga, you can check the Biebs timeline. I'm not embedding all 20 tweets, because thats not what this blog is about. This blog is about Justin Beiber using the alias Mike Lowery:
I dont think I've ever seen a better tweet than that. In the middle of your own sexual assault vigilante investigation, you have to drop a tweet explaining that you will no longer be using Will Smith's character from Bad Boys as your alias. Its absolutely incredible. Its the perfect encapsulation of the life of the mega famous. Let me just hop on twitter, handle these sexual assault charges real quick, and I'll just have to explain to people that I'm moving on to a new alter ego when I travel. Ho hum just a day in the life of The Biebs.
Now I realize I am getting to a precarious point in my career. I realize I've got about 5 years left before the court of public opinion cancels me, but more importantly I've got about 5 years left before my references are officially and totally washed. If it wasnt for Bad Boys 3 coming out, I dont know if any of you motherfuckers would even understand this name. For the youths, Mike Lowery is one of Will Smith's best characters:
But the most important Mike Lowrey moments doesnt come from Will Smith at all, it comes from Martin Lawrence. Martin is the washed up dad and Will Smith is the young, cool playboy and during the first Bad Boys they have to switch spots and play each other. And it leads to this memorable scene when Martin is trying to sound like Will with his sexy voice. "I'm Mike Lowwwwreyy"
Which is pertinent to this blog because I'm willing to bet the rent thats why this is Bieber's alias. I bet every time he needed to check in somewhere or get a reservation at a place, he'd say "I'm Mike LOAAAWWrey." In fact I think its impossible to say the name Mike Lowrey without saying "I'm Mike LOAAWWrey." Boy I got so many bitches like I'm Mike Lowrey. Its just one of the most memorable names in movies and music, and its actually a fantastic pull by Bieber. A lot of Hollywood aliases (alias-es? Alia-ii?) stink, and Bieber pleasantly surprised with his choice. RIP to the Bieber version of Mike LOAWWWrey.
The celebrity alias game is a fun one. Its definitely a little challenge they give themselves to see who can dig deep and find the most memorable-but-obscure name. Something to give themselves a chuckle when their manager is booking them shit and needs to tell the hotel concierge a ridiculous pseudonym. They've all done it for years now. So lets break it down, the best and worst fake names of the Hollywood elite:
Jessica Alba - Cash Money
As if a woman can't get any more perfect, Jessica Alba walks around calling herself Cash Money. This might be the best thing about Jessica Alba, and that includes her ass lookin all chunky in slow motion while she was swimming during Into The Blue.
Apparently its an homage to her husband, Cash Warren. But I choose to believe its because of Weezy and Birdman. CAW CAWW!
Elton John - Sir Humphrey Handbag - Binky Poodle Clip
The Big Hump! Doesnt get much more flamboyantly gay than Elton John naming himself after handbags and poodles. Elton John is already a strong stage name. Real name Reginald Kenneth Dwight, stage name Elton John, fake name Sir Humphrey Handbag, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume Binky Poodle Clip is like his drunk altar ego. You know how chicks have their nickname for themselves when they are drunk and do slutty shit? So they can blame the fact that they got drunk and banged a stranger on someone else?I think thats what Binky Poodle Clip. When Elton John is in a hotel room banging someone with his Oscar statue, he can say that wasnt Reginald. That wasnt Elton. That wasnt even Sir Humphrey. Thats not Knightly behavior. That was Binky Poodle Clip.
Slash from Guns N Roses - I.P. Freely
What a move by Slash. For two reasons - 1) you're already known by your alias so your fake name to sneak around can just be your real name. If anybody ever saw "Saul Hudson" was staying at the Four Seasons, nobody in the world would be like "OMG THE LEAD GUITARIST FROM GnR IS HERE!" Like I bet Axl Rose doesnt even know who Saul Hudson is. 2) Going with the I.P. Freely joke straight out of Bart Simpson's playbook is hilarious. IP Freely has gotta be one of the worst prank names of all time. Like Seymour Butts? Classic. I get it. Its funny to talk about seeing butts. Plus the Seymour Butts tramp stamp on Alisha Klass in that grainy late 90s early 2000s video will always have a place in my heart and in my balls. IYKYK.
But IP Freely? Is it funny to pee freely? Are there people out there who are like, "No way man. I pee grudgingly." I just dont get why that one is supposed to be so embarrassing. I cant imagine the guys at Moe's Tavern laughing their heads off being like "Moe urinates without restraint! LOL!" Of course I understand you cant just be pissing your pants or peeing all over the toilet, but I just dont think peeing freely is all that funny.
Justin Timberlake - Mr Woodpond
Timber = wood. Lake = pond. BOOOOOOO!!!! Boo this man. Gotta come with something better than that. Personally I woulda gone with Mr. Trunkpuddles. I think thats the perfect name for a curmudgeon. Old Man Trunkpuddles. The type of guy who you play Ring & Run and her ends up blasting through the neighborhood with his shotgun.
Kate Beckinsale - Sigourney Beaver
Whatta woman. Everyone who knows me knows Kate is my number 1. In recent months, my relationship with her has been complicated. When she started dating Pete Davidson, and then hanging with MGK, I explained why I believed that to be the end of the world. People think the end of humanity is here because of worldwide pandemics or civil unrest. They're wrong. Its because Kate Beckinsale started fuckin.
And then there was the blog where she was getting double teamed by two guys putting her legs over here head playing with her pussy. And then there was the classic story of her finding her face photoshopped into some porn scenes, and how she ended up sending said gangbang pictures to her mother.
And all of this adds up to her being the sort of girl who makes beaver jokes. Beaver is one of those terms that is kind of in a class all its own. Like everyone says "pussy." And a lot of people when they are really angry say "cunt." But then theres another tier - another level where only certain, special people use another set of terms for the vagina that scare the average woman. Those words are "twat" and "beaver." Kate is a timeless, ageless beauty…but shes also the type of chick to probably have a pint of Guinness and call you a twat if you dont laugh at her story where she calls herself Sigourney Beaver.
Paul McCartney - Apollo C. Vermouth
Nobody knows where this name came from, and it doesnt matter where. Apollo C. Vermouth is a fucking BOSS name. I have to know what the C stands for. Cosmonaut? Capricorn? Caprisun? Cocksman? Apollo Cocksman Vermouth? It could be anything…particularly considering Paul McCartney is dead and we've all been listening to William Shears Campbell. Apollo C. Vermouth is an alias for Paul McCartney which is an alias for William Shears Campbell.
Jennifer Aniston - Mrs. Smith
Now some people might just say shes going for a generic name to avoid any attention. But anybody with a brain knows this is a nod to Angelina Jolie as "Jane Smith," the role which she stole Brad Pitt away from her and broke up the marriage. Thats like Arya Stark walking around with her Kill List in her pocket. Its like Sawyer from Lost taking the name of the con man who massacred his family. Jennifer Aniston will have her revenge in this life or the next. Until then, shes "Mrs. Smith."
And my 2 personal favorites…
Mike Vick - Ron Mexico
When Mike Vick's career went to shit, we learned whenever he was doing his dirt, he went by Ron Mexico. Sexting chicks, checking into hotels, whatever it was - it was Ron Mexico. When these groupies went home and their friends asked if they fucked Michael Vick, the answer was actually no. They didnt fuck Mike Vick. They fucked Ron Mexico.
Last but not least, Anthony Weiner - Carlos Danger
Somehow, someway, this dude found a way to have a name creepier than Tony Weiner. Sexting pictures of his dick with his sleeping children in the shot, all while going by the name "Carlos Danger." Fuckin Chucky Fear. What an unbelievable asshole.
There's plenty other aliases out there, you can look em up for days. But I can tell you right now that if I ever need a fake name, its Butch Huskey
One of the best fathlete names of all time. "Mr. Huskey, your bags will be right up, sir." "Butch Huskey, table for 2!" Butch. Fucking. Huskey. What a legend.
Also shout out to Jay Hay over on Starting 9…not to blow up his spot but if you ever see a hotel reservation at the hotel where Barstool Sports is staying and you see that "Carlisle Holiday" is staying in the penthouse, thats Jay Hay. Paying homage to Carlyle Holiday, the Notre Dame great.
Who you got? Whos your alias?