I wasn't prepared yesterday when the Buccaneers released Tom Brady's modeling shots:
... and I wasn't ready for video of Gronk getting his. Even though I knew this was inevitable.
The one positive I can say about the TB12 photos is that at least they were quality, professionally done shots. The Tompa Bay uniform might look like they belong to the Visitors from a scene in some cheap, direct-to-streaming movie that didn't have the budget to pay for officially licensed NFL gear. But Brady wears the shit out of it. And the pictures are dead sexy. But this video of Gronk is straight garbage.
Seriously, what's with the extreme closeups, the terrible edits, the awkward conversation and the camera lingering on the NFL logo? It's like a combination of a mother-to-be opening up her baby shower gifts and badly done amateur porn. Was is taken with a hidden camera? By some film student trying to be avant garde? I had a colonoscopy that was the Palme d'Or winner at Cannes compared to this shaky-cam mess.
You just traded for the best tight end in the history of the sport, Tampa. Act like it. Do better. If the situation was reversed, the Patriots would've rolled a Kraft Productions crew out to Gronk's house and produced something that would've made Christopher Nolan consider taking off his light meter and never working again. Not this out-of-focus, POV trash.
None of which, by the way, hides the fact that Gronk has a goatee for the first time ever. Which figures. If a lifetime spent watching better productions than the one the Buccaneers just produced has taught us anything, it's that goatees always mean you've turned evil.
So this at least adds up. Gronk hasn't even practiced with his new team and he's already broken bad. Fuck 2020.