The Funniest Things About the NBA's Safety Protocol

The NBA's 100+ page safety plan for resuming the season came out yesterday, along with a good number of answers to the questions that fans had about the season starting back up. A few of my favorite tidbits to drop:

At each hotel, there will be a players' lounge with video games, card tables, pingpong and other recreational activities. No doubles in pingpong for social distancing reasons and new packs will be used for each session of card games. Yes, that's all in there.

We can play full-court basketball and jump/bump/sweat on each other but there will be ZERO doubles ping-pong games. You'll have to wait another year for that Tag Team title, Gerald Green and PJ Tucker. If everyone that would be playing cards is cleared to be in the bubble, this seems like a wild waste of a lot of good cards.

No one will be stopped from leaving. But if someone leaves campus without approval and wants to reenter, they will face at least 10 days in quarantine and have to undergo deep nasal testing (other tests on campus will be shallow nasal or shallow oral testing).

Is the deep nasal testing more accurate or punishment for leaving the campus? If it's more accurate, shouldn't this probably just be the method for testing??

Players will be tested for performance-enhancing drugs and masking agents. Unlike normal circumstances, there will be no testing for recreational drugs. Players have been advised by the league that marijuana is illegal in Florida. It is also banned at Disney World.

Looking forward to seeing who the first player on the bench to show up to a game absolutely baked is. I won't say any names or take any bets on the action so do NOT hit my line with suggestions.

The thought of Kyle Kuzma and Adam Silver sitting behind a table to decide on appropriate barbers for the bubble is hilarious to me. 

Are the concerts going to be Dame Lillard and Vic Oladipo? Imagine being a standup comedian and having to play in front of a bubble of quarantined NBA players that haven't seen their families in weeks. This will be interesting to see where the next Super Team forms up. All these teams form from the Olympics/All-Star Games or other times when players that wouldn't normally be together are forced together. Don't say you didn't see it coming when Woj reports that Giannis has been sitting with LeBron and Anthony Davis during Paula Poundstone's nightly set at Splash Mountain.

These all sound nice to us poor and it sounds like the NBA is trying to keep this as normal as possible for the players' sake….but they didn't retire James Harden's jersey at a lawn game or DJ set. These guys are rich and can do all of this stuff whenever they please. You're bringing this kind of entertainment to them so bring that kind of entertainment to them. Or I have to think, they'll bring it in themselves.

  • The away team getting longer for breakfast feels like an unfair advantage. Breakfast is amazing.
  • I'm not sure if virtual media availability is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's easier to ask a guy a question in that setting. Maybe it's easier for Westbrook to tune you out and cut you out of the Zoom call. We shall see.
  • Ok, the home team gets more downtime on gameday. Still, I'd take breakfast over downtime but they're trying. 
  • "Player introductions will be pre-recorded". By WHOM? Michael Buffer? Biz Markie? The players themselves? This could be a great thing but the information they've revealed is too vague. The people demand more. 

I can't wait until the rejected proposals start to leak.