I'm The "3 T's" Away From Getting The Girl Of My Dreams


This guy Machine Gun Kelly, or MGK (not sure where that comes from to be honest) for short, has had a ginormous come up in 2020. He's been grinding the music scene for about a decade now, and finally this year he hit it big. I remember about 10 years ago some no-name white rapper getting booed off the stage at a WWE PPV, and now he's the darling of the music industry. I mean he's at the point people are going "you know, I guess he actually won that rap battle with Eminem". That's how much he's risen in the rankings! And to top it all off, he's been taking full advantage of it, dating the hottest chicks in the game.

This year alone, THAT WE KNOW OF, MGK has dated Chantel Jeffries, Sommer Ray, and now Megan fucking Fox. MEGAN FOX!!! Oh and don't forget the Kate Beckinsale rumor..and usually when there is smoke there is fire. 

And this caused me to take a deep reflection inward. Why aren't I dating Chantel Jeffries, Sommer Ray, possibly Kate Beckinsale, and now Megan fucking Fox? What is MGK doing that I'm not? And I realized it all boils down the "3 T's". The 3 T's are what I will begin working on from here on out so I'm not texting the same ex-gf after 3 Nooners on a Friday night alone on my couch, getting left on read, waking up hungover, and smashing my phone with a rock. 

What are the 3 T's, you ask? Let's dive in.


1) Tattoos.


I've long wanted a tattoo or two, but never have pulled the trigger. I don't get being anti-tattoo at all. Who cares? You live on this Earth for 80 years, you die, and none of it matters, so why not get whatever the fuck you want on your skin while you're here? People who say things like "that won't age well", or "that won't look good when you're old" are *Jean-Ralphio voice* THE WORSTTTTTTTTTTT. Guess what else won't look good when you're old? Fookin everything, mate! Loose skin, old balls, and no boners, that's what you have to look forward to, so might as well get something you like tattooed on you while you still can. Like honestly, why would anyone at all care how a tattoo looks when you're pissing into a bag? Get over it, weirdo anti-tattoo people.


2) Tall.


Machine Gun Kelly is 6'4 so clearly I need to get taller. I'm 5'9 on a good height day (that's code for being 5'8 AND A HALF) but apparently that ain't tall enough these days. James Madison was 5'4 just saying.

A smooth 5'10 would be incredible...6 foot though I'd want to fuck myself and wouldn't need the other 2 T's. Imagine packing on 4 inches of height? It's a wet dream. Honestly though I've never cared much about my height, like, you can't control that so why worry about it? But I damn well know I'm am at a disadvantage at a bar, on a dating app, or in a group setting if there are taller bros around. My face doesn't do me any favors either so I'm already down 0-2 with a 95 MPH fastball on the way. 

How am I going to work on getting taller? I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'll put weights on my feet and dangle from the monkey bars or something. I've been roller blading a ton for cardio and for my own well being and those puppies add 4-5 inches, so maybe I'll just wear my blades everywhere. It's discrimination to make me take them off inside I'm pretty sure. 


And 3) Talent.


Well I'm fucked on this one. 


But 2/3 I can work on. Hitting .667 gets you into the Hall of Fame. And hopefully in my case, into the dating world of IG models, rocketship actresses, or maybe just a nice gal that I meet in real life. That'd be nice too. I think I'll take that. 

But you better believe it....once Corona lockdown is over...it's tattoo time.