Old Man Terrorizing Subway Passengers With A Giant Black Dildo

Animal New York – An old man wearing a full New York Knicks sweatsuit was terrorizing straphangers on the subway with a gigantic dildo last weekend. Here’s the story, according to ANIMAL’s Aymann Ismail, who witnessed this around 9 PM on Saturday night aboard a Flatbush Avenue-bound 2 train: An older man of indeterminate ethnic origin boarded the train at Atlantic Avenue; the man seemed “fucked up on some kind of drug,” loose-limbed and sloppy. Some young men sitting next to him began making fun of him. One of the dudes took out his phone to snap a selfie with the older guy. At that point, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a massive dildo. An anonymous sex toy industry expert ANIMAL consulted estimated that it was between 14-16? long. The young guys and other people nearby ran away, laughing. The man then started waving the big black dong around, pointing it at people and pretending to jerk it off. The man also kept standing up and clenching his butt cheeks. Then he really got into it: Every time the train pulled into a station, he’d put the dildo away, sit quietly, let people board, then whip it out and wave it around, startling the new passengers. When Ismail got off at Church Avenue, the man was still at it.

Well the unthinkable has happened. I never, ever, in a million years, thought I’d hear of a new type of subway misery. I thought we had seen it all. The homeless people and the crazy people and the sassy black chicks and the subway fights and the people missing limbs and the breakdancers and so on and so forth. I thought we had encountered everything.

But then you see an old man dressed in a full Knicks jumpsuit swinging a 16 inch dick in everyone’s face. I dont know why it surprises me. You should never say never when it comes to the NYC subway. In the words of Kevin Garnett, anything is possibo. But I really didnt think “Old Man Dildo Terrorist” was on the list. Yet here we are.

I dont even know what the move is here. You certainly dont wanna touch that giant fake dick. Lord knows where that thing’s been. So you cant even really get too close. Like even if you wanted to swing on that guy you gotta get close enough that you might get a 16 inch dildo draped across your face. If that guy is all up in your shit fencing you with a fake dildo I think your only option is to run. Get up and run. Live to fight another day. Any day you have no encounter with fake rubber cock on the subway is a successful day. Dont try to be a tough guy. Dont try to be a hero. Just run.