Now That He's Conquered Space, Elon Musk Promises to Create a Bionic Man Within a Year

Daily Star - Space billionaire Elon Musk says he is just one year away from creating the ‘six million dollar man’. 

The eccentric tech tycoon said implanting chips into the human brain will allow paralysed people to walk again.

His new device will help improve vision, strength and host of other injuries connected to the brain.

Musk, 48, said: “The device would be implanted in your skull.

“Electrode threads would be inserted carefully into the brain and you wouldn’t know that somebody has it.

“It can interface anywhere in the brain.

“In principle it can fix almost anything that is wrong with the brain and it can restore limb functionality.

“People can walk around and be normal - maybe slightly better - like the six million dollar man though these days that would be cheap.” ...

Speaking on American comedian Joe Rogan’s podcast he said one of his firms called Nueralink planned to carry out tests within a year. ...

Musk believes creating a link between computers and the brain is essential for human survival.

In a world where it takes years of testing before we can get a vaccine for a deadly virus, where pharmaceutical companies have to hack through forests of red tape to get a drug approved by the government, and where even a hair product can't go on the market until a few hundred bunnies have had it sprayed into their eyeballs, it seems a tiny bit ambitious for Elon Musk to think Nueralink will be stabbing electrodes into people's brains within a year. 

But at this point, only an imbecile would bet against him. Musk was considered overly ambitious when he said he could fire a rocket into space and land it on a pool float in the middle of the ocean. Or shoot a car out into the solar system. Or send two men to the ISS. Or build an automobile that drives itself while you shoot a porn. So if he says he'll be connecting chips into your cerebral cortex like hooking up a Sony PlayStation a year from now, he'll be connecting chips into your cerebral cortex like hooking up a Sony PlayStation a year from now. 

And I say this as someone who's willing to do my part to help the process any way I can. I might be reluctant to be a lab test monkey for some experimental 'Rona drug, just because I'm afraid of some weirdo side effect like hair loss or growing a Peyton Manning-like fivehead or it dysfunctioning my erectiles or whatever. But to be one of the world's first bionic men? Where do I sign up? For me, the rewards would far outweigh the risks, no matter how bad they are. 

By way of background, when I was little, I was obsessed with "Six Million Dollar Man." To me, Steve Austin was the shit. A plausible, Sci-Fi Superman, who wore leisure suits and cracked wise and scored with the ladies like an American 007 and then fucked bad guys up with his super strength in the final act. For a couple of years I don't think I ever walked by a metal pole without slow-motion pretending to rip it out of the ground and javelin-toss it through the side of a panel van filled with henchmen and blow it all to hell (thanks to the unique combustion properties of iron posts and panel vans on TV). Anyway, I recently rediscovered the show on some obscure streaming channel and couldn't wait to relive those treasured childhood memories. And I can tell flat out that "Six Million Dollar Man" is atrocious. Just objectively awful. Boring as all hell. Just badly dressed people standing around in offices talking to set up a two minute payoff of tedious slo-mo "action." Avoid it at all costs and thank me later. 

The thing is, at this point in my life, I have no interest in Steve Austin's powers. Running 60 mph would be swell, but what am I going to do with that? Run a 5K in three minutes? Race into Boston to get take out? I'd rather sit in my car relaxing and listening to SiriusXM. What am I going to do with an arm that can lift a house? Open jars for the Irish Rose? An infrared, telescopic eye would probably come in handy for all sorts of purposes, but beyond locating my ProV1s in the woods, I can't think of what use it'd be. 

No, I'll take Nueralink's USB cable plugged into my brain just for the internet access. That's the dream. Less like Steve Austin and more like Cyborg from DC Comics. 

Hell yeah. Give me that sweet, sweet interface. Free WiFi. Web searches without a laptop or a phone. GPS all the time. YouTubes constantly playing in my head (except for the ones that are the legally licensed property of Major League Baseball). Never having to look up anything. IMDB implanted in my mind so I'll always know who was in what film and be able to pull out the perfect movie quote for every occasion. Dictionaries and thesauruses in my head so I never have to know how to spell or wrack my brain for a synonym again. All football data available in such a way that all I have to do is think about it and it's there. I could increase my blog output without ever having to actually work. And I'd be the omniscient, all-powerful God of trivia. Ken Jennings would tremble at the mighty sound of my superior intellect approaching. Most of all, I'd be insufferable. Even less sufferable than I am now. 


So OK, Musk. Let's do this thing. I couldn't go on SpaceX because I went on "Mission to Mars" at Disney and spent the rest of the day in cold, pale sweat. But I'm ready to be your crash test dummy for this. Give me that waiver to sign and hook me up now.