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You're Old and There's Not a Lot You Can Do About It

I'm sorry to bring in the new week with a bombshell like that. Since I like all my bad news at once, I'll give you another one: You've never been older than you are at this moment. 

These harsh realities were brought to light by a recent deep dive into what Generation Z'ers (born from 1997-onward) are saying about Millenials (born 1981-1996) on the TikTok. Now, why would anyone care what anyone on TikTok has to say about anything? Because where the kids are, they're the future and these kids aren't afraid of shit.

Laugh it off all you want but "They 34 talking about I'm a hufflepuff like grow up and do a line of coke already" is a SCATHING attack against 34-year-olds, hufflepuffers and coke-doers alike. If you fit all three criteria, God bless your soul.

"All they do is drink wine, post cringey 90s kid meme, talk about tech-start up and lie" is a fucking killshot. Because we do do that. Not all of us of course, but the actions of a select few have never stopped us from harsh overgeneralizations before and they damn sure won't stop us now. Just think about the number of advantages these kids have over the Olds, myself included.

  • Everything we learned over 12+ years of education is available in a YouTube video right now. And of course, you can't believe every YouTube video the same way you can't believe every textbook that referred to Columbus as a hero.
  • We played outside with other kids growing up. They played inside with miniature computers in their hands. Advantage: Them. Imagine bragging about face-to-face interactions with other people. If Nintendo was invented in 1871, no one would have ever gone outside. And it would have been the right choice.
  • "Well, we know how to hold conversations in person instead of just through a screen". Yeah, a lotta fucking good that did us in a world where everything that can't be done over a screen now will probably be obsolete or able to do over a screen by the end of this blog.
  • We got memes as adults. They were raised by memes. You remember the first time you saw Kermit sipping tea or Salt Bae. They don't remember a world without it. Considering that real life and memes are now hard to separate, this has to be another advantage for the Yoots, Mr. Gambini.
  • The 90s were cool. No one could say that they weren't but don't let nostalgia cloud your judgment. FAR better to live in a world where food can be ordered from an app, you never have to worry about missing your favorite show live and you can pause listening to any album ever on your phone so that you can watch any sporting event ever, also on your phone.

You can try fighting these Gen Z'ers but it is a losing battle. The gap between ages may only be 10 or 15 years but think about how Twitter and constant online usage broke my your brain and sense of time. I feel like Kobe Bryant died decades ago. We watched "The Last Dance" together as a family in what appears to have been around 2016. The NCAA canceling March Madness was less than 100 days ago. Think of all that's happened between now and then, and then consider how big the gap in innovation is between generations.

It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume us Olds or merely roast our existence. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the Yoots will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our Generation Z Underlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted Twitter personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground TikTok caves.