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I Have Declared Myself An Esports Free Agent And My Services Are Officially Available To The Highest Bidder

It's been more than 72 hours since that video dropped and the HooliganZ turned the egames esports world on its head by bringing the Barstool machine into another industry it will dominate then use as jet fuel on our trip to the moon. I couldn't be happier for Smitty, Devlin, Logan, Blaise, every single one of the HooliganZ, and the many people at the Stool that has helped turn Gametime into the force it is today.

However, I still have not received any sort of contract offer to join the squad yet. Don't get me wrong, I am fine with that since I barely have time to play video games considering I have two kids in quarantine that are constantly all up in my business that makes blogging and recording podcasts tough enough, let alone staying awake anywhere near the times some of these streams start. 

But once I saw that we are pumping out HooliganZ jerseys with names on the back, I became insanely jealous.

So since 72 hours has passed Barstool no longer holds my rights as a gamer. I don't know if that's true or not, but lets all roll with it like the 10 Minute Rule we all had for substitute teachers while in college since blogging alone ain't gonna put those two aforementioned kids through whatever the fuck college is in a little more than a decade for now.

Here is my pitch to all the other esports companies out there. If you sign me to a lucrative gaming contract, you will get:

- An admittedly Bottom 5 player when it comes to Warzone, but a better than average CoD player in both Team Deathmatch and Domination modes. I don't know if the bayonet has been re-added in any of the 8 zillion GB updates recently but I become a legitimate force in CoD when I can kill someone with the pointy end of a World War II era gun.

- A glue guy. I won't be the first in the virtual locker room or the last out of it. But when I am in it, I will always be polite, ask if anybody needs anything whenever I go to the fridge, and will laugh at people's jokes. If there is a group text, I will always try to make sure every decent joke gets at least a Haha. I'm not talking about one of those fake ass Hahas that you can click


But an actual haha that is typed out so you know it comes from the heart

- Someone with years of experience in the snack game, which everyone knows is the fuel of gaming along with Mountain Dew.


- A Mario Karting machine that defeated the HooliganZ captain back before he was on first last nickname basis with gaming legends like Ninja.

- A great NHL 94 player that won the Stanley Cup with the awwwwful Ottawa Senators for "fun"

- A decent Madden player that has NEVER broken a controller despite malfeasance like this occurring during my franchises

- I have a great relationship with the Stoolies on Twitter, reddit, even the comment section! Trust me, they are the exact people you want on your side in a Twitch chat room

- I am also close personal friends with an eplayer(?) that puts up fucking NUMBERS and almost won a National Championship recently!

National Championship game not pictured out of respect for my other coworker that threw a half dozen picks that fateful night

I'm not saying I can help you land Big Cat on your esports team. But I can be the contact you sell to your fans as the reason he may sign with you that will cause them to make photoshops of him wearing your jersey which can lead to an increase of season ticket sales. At least that's how it works as a Knicks fan. So signing me makes sense both from a gaming perspective and business perspective.

My demands are simple. A 6 figure contract since I feel like that's the starting salary for all esports players along with a team shirsey that has the name CLEM and the number 21 on the back.