The City of Champions never sleeps. Not even one singular slumber. You thought Philly was done racking up championship after championship after championship? Think again, bozo. Because just as you thought it was safe to look away for a moment, here comes Phillip Angus from Boyertown and he just COOKED the World Record for the largest mouth gape. I mean this shit wasn't even close. He beat the previous record holder by a whole quarter of an inch. Like you didn't even need to break out the tape measure to know Phillip Angus just put that loser in his back pocket. The eye test alone was enough to give him the record. What a legend. What a hero. What a unit of a gape.
Phillip Angus is living everybody's dream right now. I would kill to have a mouth that large. Have you seen the way that people make sandwiches these days? They're damn near impossible to eat for all of us losers with regular sized mouth gapes. Look at this burger here, for example.
Looks delicious. Looks like it would be worth every single hour of the 5 years it would take off of your life. But how in the hell am I supposed to get my mouth around that thing? I could never in a million years. I'd get two patties and maybe like a little bit of bun with my bite. But for Phillip Angus? He just has to unhinge that jaw like an anaconda and then it's bon appetit. Out of all the potential superpowers that humans could have, I'd put a massive mouth right at the top of my list.
Sidenote: Boyertown is within 50 miles of Philly. Anything within 50 miles from City Hall counts as a championship for the city of Philadelphia. And if you disagree, then you can't count Patriots Super Bowls as championships for Boston.