So, hand up, I have never actually been to the Barstool office. To be completely honest I'm actually not even 100% sure where it is. BUT, we all got the news yesterday that come July 6 the office will be reopening at 25 percent capacity.
Everyone honestly seems to be doing just fine from home. Without quarantine we don't get Duggs, Davey Day Trader, Jeff Lowe's trivia and a ton of other content we have all enjoyed. But we all have to come back eventually, which got me thinking. Who is that 25 percent worthy to be the first to return. The trailblazers setting out onto Barstool's post-COVID path. This is my pitch for the 25 percent Barstool super team to carry the company through until all of us can be in the office, strictly based on the incredibly small understanding I have of how absolutely anything at all works here.
My bosses - Erika, Pres, Gaz. Had to get this one out of the way first. You three can stop reading now.
All-Business Pete - I honestly have absolutely no idea who this is, but people say his name often. I think he is in charge of getting my work laptop sent to me (which I still haven't received). In my head I picture him as Vincent Adultman from Bojack Horseman, just cannot shake that image. Business, however, is very important and seemingly vital to me getting paid and hopefully, eventually, receiving my work laptop, which I so desperately need. So send Pete in to do a business. And, Pete, if you're reading this. I definitely need a work laptop.
Alex Cooper - Everyone who knows anything about Barstool knows Alex must be dying to get back into the office. What better way to fulfill her new promise to be more involved with Barstool than to be one of the first people back? Did the occupant of Alex's neighboring apartment pay me off to put her on this list because they're sick of hearing Alex scream "RELAX," "gluck-gluck" and "I AM UNWELL" all day? Who knows. I also heard she may be having roommate issues, so this may help her get out of the house for the day.
Reags - Boy does this guy write a lot of blogs. Assuming everyone is like me and does the majority of their work from home either laying in bed with a hot laptop melting their legs and inevitably rendering them sterile, or sitting on a couch, this guy's spine has gotta be a goddamn mess. Let's get him back in the office with a nice comfy chair, or even a fancy standing desk that can adjust to accommodate his massive blog output. He deserves it for all the hard work.
ANUS Intern Troy - Boy this guy seems like a real mover and shaker. He's always in the Barstool news circuit doing wacky thing after wacky thing. By giving him a more defined in-office starting date, he can really double down on that apartment search to make sure he has one in time. I'm also terrified of both KB and Nick and don't want them to relentlessly make fun of me in a way that goes over my head but still hurts so here is their representation on the list.
Every single employee back home with their parents (Except Robbie Fox) - Imagine it is March 2020, which is by my calculations seven years ago. You are the parent of a younger Barstool Sports employee. Coronavirus is ramping up and you kindly offer for your child to escape from the stress and commotion of NYC for a few weeks by coming home. Fast-forward three plus months and you're still stuck with this person in your home. Your empty-nest dream you had finally achieved is shattered. You're sick of the extra laundry, the extra trash, the suspiciously long showers. All you want is relief. You deserve it. Send these kids back in. The one exception is Robbie Fox. The commute from NYC to wherever he is from once a week to record his podcast in his parents' basement has to be taxing. We'll let him stay.
KFC - I love Kevin. He's one of the first people I met at Barstool and he's been good to me ever since. This choice is less about the company and more about the individual. Kevin looks rough. His hair is a goddamn mess and his beard is even worse. My hope, is that by bringing him back as soon as possible, he'll get his shit together for his own and everyone else's sake. I'm allowed to say this because I am ugly, unfortunately not just because of quarantine, but always.
Nate - Some people told me that Nate would get mad if he wasn't included on this list, so I am going to include him. I was also told he may take offense to me putting him on this list if it was done ironically. Put me in a bit of a pickle there considering the entire blog is kind of ironic. The last thing I want is enemies before I even step foot in the office. Please, if you're reading this, I mean it in whatever way is least offensive.
Me - For at least ten minutes. If I can't get a goddamn picture in front of the giant stars and stool wall to use as my main picture on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Feeld (don't kink shame) then what is this all for?
I think this is maybe around 25 percent of people. I don't have any idea how many people work here.
Guess what, this was my TokenCEO blog for the day. Waited until the end to drop that, you're welcome noted commenter RichDude. Did it for you.
Listen to today's episode where Erika discusses returning to the office and more here: