Plate-counter pelted with pickle in Pownal
POWNAL — A pickle was apparently used in an assault at the Vermont-Massachusetts state line in Pownal on Monday.
Vermont State Police charged Christoph Herrmannsdoerfer, 34, with simple assault after he reportedly threw an object out of a moving vehicle, striking a state employee working by the roadside.
The object was "later determined to be a large pickle," according to the state police. The pickle struck Carl Hoffman, 59, of the Agency of Transportation, "causing him pain," Trooper Raymond Witkowski said in a release.
Hoffman didn't suffer any injuries, Witkowski told the Banner, though his shoes got splattered with pickle juice.
When police later spoke to Herrmannsdoerfer, he couldn't explain why he threw the pickle at Hoffman, Witkowski said. There's also no indication the two men knew each other or that the incident was connected to any dispute.
First off, kudos to the writer of that hed for the alliteration. That's...perfect.
Second, who wastes a large pickle like that? I have to know if it was one of those big awesome dill or sour ones you get at the deli that gives you bitter beer face but it's still a killer pickle. I mean it had to be, right? Definitely not a Vlasic, those fuckers are tasty but they're not large.
Third, I need to know what kind of pain Hoffman went through if he didn't suffer any injuries. That had to be one motherfucking large pickle. Or maybe he's just a huge pickle guy and it killed him to see a large pickle wasted in such a reckless manner that is caused him emotional pain. I get it. The juice-splattered shoes were just insult to non-injury.
Fourth, the alleged perpetrator being from Williamstown and having that name was the least surprising thing about this story. Also, the Misty Moonlight Diner has some killer breakfast if you ever find yourself in the NW corner of MA.
Finally, bread and butter pickles are the fucking WORST. Gross.
P.S. I went to STATE school the next town over from W'town. Williams College felt so bad for us poor kids, they let us take books out from their library.