A Tradition Unlike Any Other: Introducing The New Menu At The Cell

I have been called an irrational homer time and time again in the 3 years I’ve covered the Sox for the Stool.  I’ll be the first to admit that often times I do write with my heart and not my head, but what fun would fandom be if any true diehard didn’t look at the team he roots for with a level head?  Yeah, I do truly believe Chris Sale is the best pitcher in baseball, that Jose Abreu could very well be the best hitter in the league this year, and that the Sox have a legit chance to make a serious run at a pennant.  Not many people would agree with any of those statements unless they’re a diehard themselve.

Now, all of that said, what I’m about to say has nothing to do with my irrational homerism:  US Cellular Field has the best ball park field in baseball, hands down.  I haven’t been to Miller Park in a decade or so, and only to about 10-12 stadiums total (a few of which have since been torn down), but I don’t need to travel to Seattle, or Colorado, or god forbid the shithole that is New York City to know that the Cell has the best stadium food on earth.  It’s a stone cold fact.  Anyways, in what is now a tradition at Barstool Sports as legendary as Guess That Ass, here’s what I look forward to devouring the most this upcoming season at the Cell.  *Que gunt jokes*

Drum roll please…..

As you all can guess, I’m a huge fan of any food that’s fried in vats of oil.  Fries in particular.  I enjoy a good fry from anywhere, be it fast food or some serious gourmet shit.  I also LOVE garlic.  Put that shit on everything.  Combine the two and you have a mixture of love and happiness.  I will be in attendance at game 2 on Saturday, and leading off my glutonous journey with these bad boys.

Bacon may very well be the best food on the planet.  The Cell introduced it in stick form last year and it brought the bacon game to new heights.  Now they’re taking it a step further and adding different flavors.  The flavors include brown sugar, jalapeno, black pepper and barbeque.  Yes, I will be trying all 4, in case you were wondering, and all 4 will be A+ I’m sure.

Moving right along, we’re now more than likely in the 4th or 5th inning.  This is wear appetizers will no longer suffice and I’ll have to move into an entree.  Usually I’d just go to town on a brat with shit loads of grilled onions, but I can do that at any baseball stadium, anywhere.  I’ll be forced to decide between the pizzaburger, Cuban sandwich, or pot roast sandwich.  As much as I’d like to try all three that’d be a physical impossibility because I can’t/won’t miss the grand finale, which I’ll talk about next. Prolly gonna go with the Cuban sandwich just to pay homage to the aforementioned greatest hitter in baseball, Jose Abreu. Shit looks fire.

Did the Sox do it again or did the Sox do it again?  Seriously don’t give a shit how full I am, how much money I’ve spent on food just to send out a few half assed and probably not funny tweets/ vines to the masses, I cannot and will not not indulge in a helmet full of ribs.  The funny thing is I’m not a huge rib guy either.  I’m guessing a big reason I have to try these so badly is because they come in the souvenir helmet, and I have the mental capacity of a 12 year old.  Same reason I tried eating the helmet sundae last year, which ultimately pumped so much sugar into my stomach I puked inside a portopotty.

That’s probably all my stomach can handle, especially when you factor in the bakers dozen Miller Lite’s I’ll be drinking in between each meal.  Real quick note, I hate Miller Lite and think it tastes like shit, but beggars can’t be choosers.  Seriously cannot wait for Sunday when the Cubs and Cards officially kick off the season, followed by what can and should be the best summer in Chicago sports in a long, long time.  Viva la Sox!!