Stoolies - you have until Saturday to be the 64th player in this tournament. All you have to do is email me your confirmation of a new purchase at the Barstool Store and you'll be in the pool for a player to be chosen at random. firstname.lastname@example.org
I know what you're gonna say. Sick dude Dana you're 27 acting like an 18 year old freshman in college. Sick dude Dana your 15 minutes are up. Guess what I don't give a fuck. Part of my job is now to drink and document it, and I'm sorry if that makes you jealous. Just kidding I'm not sorry at all I fucking love my job. Anyone who knows me on this planet knows this is the type of job I was made for. I'm lucky enough to work somewhere that I can act like an absolute buffoon while getting mangled and get paid for it. And if I want to put together a beer pong tournament with 63 Barstool personalities, I'm gonna do it. So fuck you. I'm very excited to get this going tonight as we have eight first round matchups that will be streamed live on @vivalastool twitter and the blog. Let's break down tonight's games and make some predictions.
MIKE GRINNELL vs HENRY LOCKWOOD
Two Massachusetts guys. Two producers of two of Barstool's top podcasts. One internet troll. One Canadian accent? First of all, I owe Hank my life. He is the one who convinced Dave to give me a job here three years ago, so I am inclined to be on his side. Plus he's a competitive bastard who often pushes people during athletic competitions. Grinnell on the other hand is a scrapper. Worked his ass off for free to get his foot in the door at Barstool. May or may not have played hockey which we know they're the best drinkers. But at the end of the day, Henry Lockwood has the IT factor. And I think he will genuinely hurt somebody if he loses in the first round. I think he wins this one and gets mad at me for making him a six seed even though it was completely random.
KENJAC vs NICK
I honestly have no idea what to expect in this one. Nick seems like a kind of guy who just could get really fucking high and just laser focus on the cups. I don't even know if Nick smokes weed. His ANUS podcast all but confirms it. KenJac on the other hand has claimed that his girlfriend's uncle is bringing over ping pong balls that he "won in a tournament in Hong Kong" whatever the fuck that means. He has also claimed that Nick is "so fucked". Intimidation tactics like you read about. Not gonna lie, I am a simple man. The Hong Kong ping pong balls has me sold. KenJac wins.
JEFF D LOWE vs KB
We all know Jeff D throws a fucking unreal button hook. Does that apply in the world of beer pong? Yes. Let me tell you why. I don't know why. But let me tell you something about this matchup. For some reason, I just feel like KB isn't going to give a shit. I don't have any evidence to support that nor will it actually be true, but I do know for a fact that Jeff D Lowe will want it more. He is a sleeper in this tournament simply for the fact that I think he will care a lot. While we all know KB knows how to party HAHAHAHA GET IT DUDE, I don't foresee him taking down the Button Hook King.
LARGE vs RIA
What a showdown we have here. I'm gonna say it right off the bat. Ria scares the shit out of me when it comes to drinking games. I think it's because she's from Long Island because they are absolute booze ponies out there. Speaking of booze ponies, we have Large playing in this game. I think I just came up with Large's new nickname. The Booze Pony. Except I kind of want that to be my nickname so never mind Large it's mine now. Now Large has claimed to not have played in over a decade, so he's already starting off a little behind. As I mentioned before, Ria has an intimidation factor going for her. I think this is a blowout, I'm sorry to say Mr. McCarthy. Ria in a landslide.
HUBBS vs LIZ GONZALES
I'm a Massachusetts guy. I'm a Sox guy. I'm a Pats guy. So it hurts me that one of these Yankees/Packers fans has to win this matchup. But it should be an entertaining one. We all remember the time Liz was mansplained to by Frankie Borrelli. I can see Hubbs trying to mansplain beer pong to Liz at least once during this matchup. It's just in those Yankee scumbags' blood. But remember Hubbs, all beer pong players are created equal. So reader, remember that when you yell at me for randomly putting myself up against Ellie Schnitt in the first round. I think Hubbs has some extensive experience playing beruit as we call it on the south shore simply for the fact that he asked me if there were no Gentlemen's racks in this tourney. I'm going with Hubbs.
SMITTY vs NATE
Here we have one of the more looked forward to matchups of the entire first round. Two long time rivals turned friends I think? People are going to say that Smitty should win this in a breeze. People are going to say that Smitty will probably smash his table win or lose. People are going to say Smitty will probably yell very loudly and fall down no matter what. But don't count out the Dog. The Dog has been known to pull off some incredible feats like the time he bundled Young Pageviews. But at the end of the day, Nate told me that his apartment is really small and he might not even be able to fit his table. So for that reason and that reason alone, I'm going with The General. The 1 seed advances, no UMBC here. We're saving that for when I inevitably lose to Ellie in the first round and have to quit my job forever.
DONNIE vs CARL
I fucking love these guys. There's a reason I invited them both to my Las Vegas wedding. Absolute booze bags and absolute weapons and absolute legends and absolute ponies. Two of my favorite guys at the company. This is the Booze Bag Bowl. I completely expect them both to be lubed up and mangled for this matchup. Donnie and I share several connections when it comes to the world of drinking and I know he's gonna come ready to play (if he can find cups and balls which as of last night wasn't promising). Carl is a notorious beer drinker and is one of the most intense competitors at the company. This could be a fight to the death with overtime written all over it. This is a flip of the coin type of game and I honestly don't want either of them to get mad at me so I wish I could say it's a draw but fuck it I will say Barstool Carl gets the dub as the 14 seed. Again, the seeds don't actually matter but Carl just has an x factor that I cannot deny.
COLEY vs FEITS
Another matchup between Massachusetts guys, this one is gonna be a great nightcap. Coley and I are notorious best friends who never fight with each other, and I know Feits and I would be best friends if we got to know each other better. These guys will be bickering all night and probably fight each other virtually somehow, but when it's all said and done, I think Coley scraps it out. People forget he went to UMass which is basically the home of beer pong. People also forget I have a degree and Coley doesn't so suck it Coley. Feitelberg also probably just won't give a fuck, so I'm going with the Mick Man.