So This Guy Wondered Through The Desert, Planted a Flag, And Now Claims He's The King Of A New Country.

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WaPo - Jeremiah Heaton was playing with his daughter in their Abingdon, Va., home last winter when she asked whether she could be a real princess. Heaton, a father of three who works in the mining industry, didn’t want to make any false promises to Emily, then 6, who was “big on being a princess.” But he still said yes. “As a parent you sometimes go down paths you never thought you would,” Heaton said. Within months, Heaton was journeying through the desolate southern stretches of Egypt and into an unclaimed 800-square-mile patch of arid desert. There, on June 16 — Emily’s seventh birthday — he planted a blue flag with four stars and a crown on a rocky hill. The area, a sandy expanse sitting along the Sudanese border, morphed from what locals call Bir Tawil into what Heaton and his family call the “Kingdom of North Sudan.” There, Heaton is the self-described king and Emily is his princess. Sheila Carapico, professor of political science and international studies at the University of Richmond, told the Bristol Herald Courier last week that Heaton would need legal recognition from neighboring countries, the United Nations or other groups to have actual political control of the land. Heaton, who ran for Congress out of Virginia’s 9th district in 2012 and lost, plans to reach out to the African Union for assistance in formally establishing the Kingdom of North Sudan and said that he is confident they will welcome him. Representatives from the Egyptian and Sudanese embassies in Washington did not respond to requests for comment Saturday. Heaton says his claim over Bir Tawil is legitimate. He argues that planting the flag — which his children designed — is exactly how several other countries, including what became the United States, were historically claimed. The key difference, Heaton said, is that those historical cases of imperialism were acts of war while his was an act of love.


Wait what? You can still do that? I thought all the land was scooped up by now. There’s just random places that aren’t part of a country? Then why aren’t there still Christopher Columbuses sailing around the world looking for new places? Why isn’t explorer still a viable profession? Seems like we’ve been fed a book of lies. Because as it turns out you can just will nilly walk around the desert, plant a flag, and you’re the king of the world. Making laws and making bitches feed you grapes.

Now this guy is doing it right and nobody even sees through his lies besides me. Hate to blow up his spot, but come on man, enough of this “I did it out of love for my daughter” bullshit. Nobody becomes king because they love their daughter. That’s just all for show. It’s to keep his head above water with his family. It’s like how Walter would claim he only sold meth to provide for his family. He did it because he craved the power. And that’s why you become king of the desert. Fame. Fortune. Power. Pet lions. Statues built in your honor. Virgins lining up to take your seed and thank you for it. That’s what you do when you start a new country. He’s going to have his wife and children as his slaves in no time. That’s rule 1 of starting a country. You have no friends, you have no family.

And sneaky great move calling his country Kingdom of North Sudan. Perfect name. Everyone knows Sudan already as the place people go to die. All that Hotel Rwanda shit and whatever. But Kingdom of North Sudan? Sounds lovely. He can sell time shares and shit like that. Holiday Inns and continental breakfasts. Everyone who has ever thought of starting their own country knows you aren’t really a country until you have a Holiday Inn. Build it and they will come. I just planned out North Sudan for this guy and he doesn’t even have to thank me.