He’s a Birken-stalker.
A nice, light-hearted pun to start my Tuesday. How delightful.
A Thai man with an unhealthy obsession with shoes has been arrested for stealing more than 100 pairs of flip-flops, which he admitted to having sex with.
Police in Nonthaburi, central Thailand first knew something was awry after receiving dozens of complaints from locals over missing shoes, reports Newsflare.
I'm not exactly sure what I expected from an article titled "Foot fetishist arrested after stealing, having sex with 100 pairs of flip-flops". There was actually a part of me that thought this man was stealing flip flops for the sole purpose of wearing them during sex with another human being - which, in all honesty, would probably be just as weird as the reality of the situation. Boy, oh boy, was I wrong.
This man was just having full-on sexual intercourse with hundreds of pairs of flip flops. Plain and simple, your honor. Just plucking flips and/or flops from any possible source in order to fulfill his sick fantasies. How does one go about having sex with a shoe anyways? You'd have to imagine that this guy is just making a dick sandwich with two individual flip flops and just absolutely goes to town.
I get it, you probably want to stop thinking about a random Thai man's penis being hugged by the squishy material that makes up a pair of flip flops but we're continuing whether you like it or not.
The alleged footwear fetishist described how he would wear the sandals, which spanned every make and size, around the house to arouse himself
And that was just foreplay. Theerapat would reportedly then caress and kiss the well-worn flip-flops, strip down and rub them all over his naked body, and then, eventually, make love to them. Once he was done ravaging his sole mates, he’d toss them aside and look for a new pair.
sidenote - sole mates pun was executed with absolute perfection.
"'I'll admit it, I'll admit it' - Drake " - Thai guy with extremely concerning foot fetish
He must be more of a wine and dine type of guy, I get it. Those paragraphs were a little TMI. Since everyone is just admitting things, I didn't much care for the explanation of this psycho's entire foreplay so that he could bust inside of a pair of bargain bin flip flops.
How did they even find that out? Did this guy just willingly tell police and reporters his pre-fucking flip flop routine? I figured stealing and humping a bunch of shoes was something that you keep to yourself, not go into excruciating detail about. Unless police officers busted down his door in the middle of a flop orgy, I feel like he could've completely avoided the sexual side of why he stole the flip flops. Could've just chalked it up to refusing to pay $5 for a pair of flip flops that you'll lose in a day but yet here we are.
You just have to count your lucky stars that this guy was caught relatively early on. Lord knows how long this sicko would've been stealing these flip flops to pleasure himself. Hopefully, he gets put in the slammer for the foreseeable future and learns how to masturbate like every other normal fucking person. That might be wishful thinking.
PS - never really been a big flip flop guy. They just seem impractical and they look abysmal.