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DIY Goofin: Top 5 Things I've Learned in My Month As A Man

At the start of the ole pandemic, I knew that I was going to have to find something to do that would keep me sane in a house filled with children, 2 demanding pets, and a smokin hot wife. I could just sit around all day and blog and then makeout with my smokin hot wife, I had to find something for me, but what in the wide, wide world of sports could that be? 

Well, luckily, someone stole my truck and that sent me down a path of man-sized bread crumbs that led to the doors of multiple home improvement and auto stores. I bought a new truck and began working on that bad boy. I upgraded some things. Fender Flares, new rims and tires, head unit, speakers, remote start, and a few other things. 

To my great surprise, I actually had a good time doing that stuff. I was learning something new and the research kept my mind busy when everything around me seemed to be crawling at a snail's pace. 

I've never been one for home projects. If I needed to put a fence up, I hired someone. Ceiling fans? Hired. French doors on my office? Hired. Grass cut? Hired. Still doing that. Let's not get crazy. 

BUT, now I feel like I am building a certain set of skills when it comes to building stuff. 

This is part 1 but spoiler alert, the table turns out pretty good and I'm ready to share what I've learned so far. 

1. There can be no half measures when using a saw.  

Can't do it. When I started the bike rack project, I would pussyfoot the fuck out of the saw. I would treat the trigger like I would the trigger of a weapon. Now, if you know anything about trigger discipline for long-distance shots, you know that a slow, steady squeeze of the trigger will keep your groups tight. This is NOT the case with a saw. You gotta slap the shit out of the trigger. You cant be scared of it. It cant surprise you. There's gotta be an intent behind the trigger pull. You gotta be standing behind the trigger of the saw with your tits or dick ready to support you. Pull the trigger. Put the saw on target and press through with confidence. I was so bad at that at first and it was because I had no confidence. As I became more comfortable with the circular saw, my cuts became more smooth and my frustration, and the possibility for a huge injury, decreased. 

2. Slow is smooth and smooth is fast. What I mean by this is that you cannot just try to get through projects as fast as possible. Measure twice. Cut once. That's a saying for a reason. Do every step, every single time. Make sure things are square. Make sure you line up everything. Cutting with a saw is kinda like golf that way. In golf, you have to go through steps every time you take a swing. Check your distance, grip, posture, club selection, angle, feet position. All that happy horse shit. Same goes for cutting with a saw. Gotta make sure every swing or cut is treated the same way. No shortcuts. 

3. Screws are fucking expensive. This one is an absolute mindblower. Now, this isn't my first time buying screws or anything like that. I've bought screws before, you mother fuckers. I just haven't needed a bunch of screws. I probably use too many, honestly. But, when you're buying a pack of screws once and paying like 6 dollars or so for that one pack, it doesn't make a difference. When you're buying a large number of screws, it takes you back. 30 dollars for a container of screws is insane. INSANE. I need to find a place that sells cheap ass screws or I'm and my finances are, well...... screwed. 

4. Wood is cheap. This one is kinda relative to the price that you'd pay for something already made. For instance, next week I'm releasing a video of me making an outdoor couch. It's 7 feet long. Heavy. Sturdy. It will last for YEARS. If you were to buy something like that, it would easily be 600 bucks. I built it for about 35 dollars worth of wood. That's cheap. The downside is that it took about 5 hours to build, not including the 3 hours it took for me to build the miter saw. (not mitre saw as some idiots would say). Your time is valuable so you have to weigh in that aspect too. But, right now, it's a perfect use of my Saturday. This weekend I spent more time outdoors than I have since I left the Marine Corps. I was outside in my garage or in my driveway for like 8 or 9 hours each day. That was really nice. Feeling sweaty, tired, and having something to show for it that didnt glow with a blue light on a screen was a nice feeling to have again. 

5. Building a level of craftsman incompetence sets expectations really low. I've been married for 10 years plus. For the entirety of my marriage, my wife has been the one who puts stuff together. I carry things places and she pieces them together. I'm like Lenny and she's like George. Maybe she'll put a bullet in my head one day too but I doubt it. Spoiler alert, btw. Ole of Mice and Men Head Ass. 

Lots of dudes and ladies I know dont wanna start doing DIY stuff because they dont think they can. If I can, you can. Worst case is that you are out a little bit of money, a little bit of time. Best case is that your family or friends walk out and are shocked that you made something that they wont be ashamed to have in their house. That happened to me with the couch that will come out next week and it felt fucking great. 

Now I'm hooked. Im hooked on making things. I'm hooked on building my minimal skills to the point where I can tackle a task with confidence that I'll do it correctly. I'm much further down that path than I was with my feet up on the couch without even a hammer in my pocket. The garage is dark and full of terrors still, but with the help of the Lord of Light and the prospect of seeing that ole witch's tits, I will pursue making my patio wood-clad and furniture-filled with a confidence that would inspire the King's Guard to go North of the wall and into the belly of the Lowes, Home Depot, and Harbor Freight. 

At this point, what more can I ask for? A table saw and a wood planer. That's what I'm asking for. I need to expense those. EXPENSIVE.