When I saw this piece I knew I'd have to have it. Some garments are haunting, a nightmare of how ironically awful the vessel would look. A real head-turner. Fashion isn't about looking good, it's about being seen. You couldn't get a more stimulating image printed on a silk shirt if you replaced this one with a family of six in a Honda Odyssey getting t-boned by a semi-truck. This is a car crash that's impossible to look away from, making it the must have item from the collection that the fabulous buyers over at Bergdorf Goodman have assembled for Hampton-wear this summer. Shirts that were discontinued at rural Walmarts in West Virginia and New Mexico a mere 15 years ago are now back in style and at a premium.
Here are the rest of the items you need to have this season. They may err towards the expensive side, but if you have to spend your stimulus check or open an OnlyFans to throw a speed bump in the lightening-fast rate your Instagram followers are motoring through their timelines, you can consider that an investment.
Can't decide between a sweater and a hoodie? Well, like the zippers of this stupid fucking sweater, you can meet in the middle! Wanna dump your man-titties out? Zip it all the way to the bottom. Wanna pretend your an East L.A. gang member from the mid-90s? Zip it all the way to the top and let the flaps fly. And it can be yours for the price of a 2003 Honda Accord. But careful, only one is left!
Teeshirt. White. $608. You poor piece of shit. It's the perfect compliment to your outfit if you're trying to look like a transformer who morphs into a Ducati. Just yank it on and jam your hands into pockets that are definitely at the wrong angle to have fingers placed in them. Is the logo just a glorified MasterCard symbol? Well, if you know what a MasterCard is, you're heading in the right direction.
If you're trying to cut weight for the intergalactic space Olympics, boy do I have the suit for you. A convenient drawstring to synch at the waist, incase you want to only suffocate your upper torso instead of the entire thing. It's the perfect raincoat, because if you're sweating that profusely on the inside, who cares if it's wet on the outside? Again, only one left, so hurry!
This is the exact shirt Caleb wears for his videos, I'm sure of it. Oversized, thrift-shop chic, it will have you looking like the wellness guru at a tech company. The perfect shirt to wear if you want people to ask if you switched religions or something, but don't worry, it won't cost you your sabbath, only $795.
This shirt looks like one of the Teletubbies got their throat slit during a misguided celebration of the constitution. Or like if a cast member of Les Mis mixed the blood of angry men with a couple bottles of cab franc. And if you're less of a button down guy, this exact design is available in tee shirt as well, probably for $608.
These won't turn heads until you bring attention to the portfolios that are sewn into the outside of each knee. Like the saddlebags of a Harley Davidson, you can pack these bad boys up on a road trip and leave your attache case at home. Perfect for carrying a full spiral notebook, a set of knives or an entire video game system, these pockets are big enough to fit all the irony.
Finally, Burberry's offering to the list couldn't be ignored, as it was clearly inspired by the good people behind the Hertz desk in the rental car section of Raleigh-Durham International Airport. The back was important to include because it features both the latitude and longitude of the Burberry headquarters, giving the feeling that whatever asshole designed this is baiting us to zoom in on that geolocation to see if he's physically flipping us the bird or just metaphorically doing it though the design of this shirt.
Hope this helps.