I've nestled myself into a peculiar corner of the internet. I find myself at the crossroads of Weird Celtics Twitter, regular Boston sports twitter, Barstool twitter, tier twitter, weird twitter, and, of course, bird twitter. "How did you get yourself into bird Twitter, Coleman? Are you a member of the National Audubon Society, you binocular glaring freak?" First of all, how dare you. Secondly, no. No I am not an avid bird watcher. That's not my jam. I am simply someone who has curated his instagram feed to be so specific that the suggested page is nothing but animals and tattoos. The animals have come more frequently ever since I became pals with the one and only Martin J Mush.
Martin J Mush, aka "Marty," has a bird. Rudy, who will outlive us all. Yes, even you reading these words right now. Rudy's going to fly laps around your existence and there's not much you can do about it. I don't even think you could poison the bird as it has spent its entire life in Marty's house, who knows what that suckbag has ingested over the years. I would imagine you could study its blood and find cures to all sorts of rare, undiscovered diseases if you wanted to. But who has the time. Anyways, in addition to our Dead Bird Boyz group chat, Martin and I have been exchanging rare and luxurious bird photos on Instagram for many moons now. One of us will see a delightful or horrifying bird, send it to the other, and submit our comments thusly. It is, absolutely, as stupid as it sounds.
And so on.
But people know we're both big bird boys, so I'm often tagged in bird related tweets. Asked to tier them, grade them, things of that nature. And nothing has ever quite dominated my @ mentions like this dracula parrot.
I must have been sent this bird somewhere around 50 times in the past three days. And with good reason. Whoa baby what a bird! The type of bird that could inspire the masses. Cam'ron is going to show up to the Grammys next year in a dracula parrot coat. And it will be excellent. And heavens to Betsy what a name! If you were picked up by a roving gang of pirates sailing high on the seven seas and the captain had one of these suckers on his shoulder you'd know you were in the company of some elite swashbucklers. So yes, I have seen the dracula parrot. I respect, fear, and worship at the alter of the dracula parrot. And now you have seen the dracula parrot, too.