The Dave Portnoy 2024 Presidential Cabinet
If you haven't seen, Dave has elevated his goals of Mayor and is taking his talents back into politics but THIS TIME he's coming for the top spot. POTUS.
Shirts are already underway.
It got me thinking, if Dave were to choose a cabinet solely within the Barstool ranks, who would they be?
Vice President: Kirk Minihane
Kirk Minihane is a no brainer for Vice-President. What you want in a VP is someone to take the heat off you, and no one is better equipped to do that than Kirk. Plus, you always pick a running mate that will bring a loyal base, and NO ONE has a more loyal base than Kirk. Minifans UNITE.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Call Her Daddy Girls, Glenny Balls
Secretary of State: Big Cat
Big Cat Another no brainer. Is there anyone on EARTH let alone at Barstool more well-liked than Dan Katz? The job of a Secretary of State is to smooth over relations with other countries, and who's going to do better than that than half of Todd & Gordo? Coach Duggs is the PERFECT Secretary of State.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Clem
Treasury: Nardini
The Secretary of the Treasury is a hugely important position, and who better to run the nation's finances than the woman who oversaw Barstool turning into a nearly half BILLION dollar company it is today? Another slam dunk here.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Glenny Balls, Large
Defense: Willie Colon
No one and I mean NO ONE, is better equipped to understand what it takes to defend a nation than a Super Bowl winning offensive lineman. Also, if we ever get back to the days when conflicts are settled mano-a-mano, it doesn't hurt to have a guy as Secretary of Defense who can bench 400 hundred and crush 24 beers in an hour.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Cons, Chaps, Kate
Attorney General: KFC
This is a bit of a controversial choice, but only because turning the power of the American legal system over to a man who has feuded with half the population always makes for fireworks. I mean, would you want to be a real-life superhero or a Serbian with KFC as AG? But like Bobby Kennedy, what you want in this position is someone fearless, and KFC can be counted on to take on any and all comers.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Carl, KBNoSwag
Interior: Eddie
Eddie The Secretary of the Interior is responsible for such things as conservation and national parks. And I think Barstool Chicago's Eddie is the perfect choice here. Have you ever listened to Dog Walk? You should. This guy's curiosity is INSATIABLE, and that's what you need because no one REALLY knows what the U.S. Geological Survey does. You can bet your ass Eddie would find out pretty fast. Slam dunk here.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Caleb, YP
Agriculture: BWalk
Let's see. The Secretary of Agriculture is responsible for making sure our food supply is not only working but safe and clean. And who better for that job than someone from Mississippi, the last state where I think actual feudalism is still alive? Brandon grew up on a worm farm. He knows how the bacon is made. Plus if you listen to his Basement Talks, you know he speaks farmer. No one else at Barstool is equipped for this position.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: None
Commerce: Carl
The Secretary of Commerce represents American business interests, and I think Barstool Carl is the man for this job. Not only was he a D1 pitcher but he also has a background in the law, and worked for a decade in the bowels of the American corporate system. He knows 9-5 and how much it can suck, and that's who you want representing the economy in the cabinet. Plus, Dave really wants a cabinet member who can say "cocksucker" with such verve and vigor.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Large
Labor: WSD
Now this appointment by President Portnoy will shock people, but hear him out. Labor is an important cabinet post that oversees not just unions but workplace laws. And who better for the job of dealing with lunch pail carrying steel boot-wearing hooligans than a man who grows a beard up to his eyeballs? White Sox Dave is the ultimate wild card, just as likely to get drunk to settle a strike as he is to pull a shockingly obscure factoid from the depths of his brain.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Feits, Kmarko
HHS: Rone
The main job of the HHS Secretary is to "discuss public health, food safety and welfare programs" -- an important if undervalued job. Presidents in the past have used this appointment to bring in a general advisor, and I think Rone fits that bill well. Not only can he handle the food safety part well (have you ever seen how long it takes him to eat a banana?) but he offers sane and solid advice, a prerequisite for any good cabinet member. Plus when (not if) President Portnoy gets into a battle rap with another nation's leader, Rone is the Ace in the Hole. Putin better watch his ass.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Trent, Shaun Latham
HUD: Feits
The Secretary of the HUD is the person selected by the president to advise on issues regarding housing. Who better to do this than a man who has lived in the same 3 bedroom apartment for what seems like a decade with Lightswitch Lou and Gaz? I mean, the whole point of finding housing is to discover a place where you can put down roots. Anyone who can successfully live with Gaz without killing him for so long has to be perfect this job.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Big Ev, Blackjack Fletcher
Transportation: Kate
The Secretary of Transportation is in charge of things like maintaining roads and overseeing health and safety ordinances. As someone who parked her car 6 full feet from the curb and then walked away for six months, President Portnoy will think Kate is an ideal member of the cabinet. After all, she once flew on a private plane. One thing's for sure, Transportation will be the highest-rated department on TikTok when Kate is done with it.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Liz, Coley
Energy: Glenny
The Wolf of Ball Street is President Portnoy's top pick for this important cabinet position. This position is in charge of the nation's nuclear weapons program, in addition to all energy-related issues. You know what you want in this position? LOYALTY. And as proven at Davey Day Trader Global, Glenny Balls is loyal to the core. No one who watches that much Sopranos would ever consider leaking anything to the press.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Carrabis
Education: Keith Markovich: (KMarko)
Who better to put in charge of the nation's educational system than Keith? I have basically learned everything I know about blogging from him. Anyone who's watched his IG stories knows he's ALL about the books. Anyone with that many books in their apartment is in a perfect position to oversee our educational policy. Plus he's not afraid to get in the mud, and that's important for a position that is constantly being assailed by outside interests. Just ask the University of Missouri, or what was left of it after Keith murked Melissa Click.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Rear Admiral, Hard Factor Guys
Veterans Affairs: Chaps
A slam dunk. No one at Barstool (or almost anywhere else) has done more for veterans than our own Uncle Chaps. I mean, President Portnoy got a purple heart just for hiring him! Chaps is the best and Zero Blog Thirty, as Large always says, is the most honorable thing this firm does. We have great confidence he can bring some reason to the chaos that is Veterans Affairs in this country.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Kate, Cons
Homeland Security: Mush
Sometimes presidents go out on a limb, and this is one of those cases. President Portnoy's rationale is that Mush is the only one he's ever met that has actually WORKED for Homeland Security. Plus, Portnoy is a big Homeland fan, and Mush once did a cameo on House of Cards. This is the most controversial appointment, because, well, let's face it -- Marty's kind of incompetent when it comes to things that don't involve ping pong balls. Which, come to think of it, might just make him an ideal Homeland Security chief.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: None
Trade Rep: DanaB
The Office of the U.S. Trade Representative is a cabinet-level position responsible for US trade policy, and President Portnoy chooses for this position Dana B. Why? A Zillion Reasons. That's why. Who else do you know has turned the hobby of being a borderline alcoholic into $1.5 million in merch in under a week? And although his foray into becoming America's most watched binge drinker has left a lasting toll, DanaB is ALWAYS up at 5:00 a.m. grinding. I mean, the dude spent 4 months drinking for a living and never missed a deadline (A Walk to Remember notwithstanding).
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Large
Nat'l Intel: Trysta
I was, of course, honored to take the position as Director of National Intelligence in the Portnoy cabinet. Largely, this is because I've spent the last six months as a mole ferreting out any and all the secrets of Barstool (see Stool Slang for just a few of my findings). Anyone who can so readily conceal so many secrets like I can is perfectly suited for the position of DNI.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Hank
Budget: Spider
No one is better suited for this cabinet position than Spider. This guy is a GRINDER. You want something done and done right? Spider is on it. Anyone who can manage the snack budget for an office full of grazing bloggers has to be perfectly suited for this job. Plus, he once nearly got choked out at RNR by a drunk hooligan protecting Portnoy and Big Cat, so you know he's ride or die. A perfect choice.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: (Former) Office Manager Brett
CIA: PFT
President Portnoy's appointee for Head of the CIA is our own resident spy, PFT. Not only has he managed to remain (largely) anonymous during his tenure, but he's always well connected in the D.C. world -- just ask Dan Snyder. He's a perfect choice as the Keeper of the Nation's Secrets and his tenure will result in some MUST LISTEN Pardon My Take episodes.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Paul LoDuca, Carrabis
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: KBNoSwag and Nick Turani
This cabinet position is charged with enforcing environmental laws, and President Portnoy has made a dual appointment here. Why? Because he equates West Virginia, the state where these two hail from, as the Wilderness. Since he basically thinks these two were born in log cabins, they've been charged with overseeing the EPA. This will make for some VERY interesting ANUS pods.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Ellie Schnitt
SBA: Liz
This cabinet level position is in charge of the nation's small business policy, and who better to take this position head on than an "owner" of the Green Bay Packers? The only drawback is that it is almost a dead certainty she will hire Jordy Nelson as her undersecretary.
OTHERS CONSIDERED: Hubbs, Frankie Borrelli
OTHER IMPORTANT PRESIDENT PORTNOY APPOINTEES
Chief of Staff:
Gaz He knows where the bodies are buried, so he is the idea consigliere to President Portnoy.
UN Ambassador: Trent
He already lives near the United Nations so its a no brainer because he can walk to meetings.
Head of Council of Economic Advisors: Large
Another no brainer. Barstool's Wall Street titan will make a fine head of the CEA.
Ambassador to China: Donnie
Of course the Wonton Don gets the nod as our Chinese Ambassadeur.
Secretary of Morale: Caleb
A new position created by President Portnoy just for Caleb.
Head of the Center for Disease Control: Call Her Daddy Girls
No one can better utilize their massive audience to inform about infectious diseases more than CHD.
Meme Secretary: Vindog
Another new position, the meme secretary is on constant call to meme our nation's enemies to death.
Minister of College Football: Kayce Smith
No one is better equipped to promote our nation's REAL sport to the masses more than Kayce.
White House Head Chef: Shaun Latham
White House dinners are going to be LIT with the $20 Chef in charge of state dinners.
Sergeant in Arms for Senate: Clem
The nicest guy at Barstool gets the dopest job -- the protocol office for Congress.
Ambassadeur to Canada: Ryan Whitney
Whitney can finally pull rank on Biz in his own country!
Director of the White House Basketball Court: Coley Mick
Coley is the perfect person to schedule the White House's hoop runs
Director of National Trivia: Jeff D. Lowe
Ol' Button Hook Lowe gets the nod to head up the nation's trivia contests.
Keeper of the Nation's Greens: Riggs
Who better to be the nation's foremost golf promoter than the guy who just went 0-9 putting from eight feet at Pinehurst?
Presidential Butler: Tommy Smokes
President Portnoy needs a butler he can trust to look after Randolph, and Tommy Smokes is just the man for the job.