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The Rams New Uniforms are Punishment for Mankind's Sins

My thoughts, Schefter? My thoughts are, I stand in awe before the incomprehensible power of a billion dollar enterprise to fuck up the simplest thing. 

I bow before the might of the Rams organization to be handed one of the coolest, most iconic designs in the history of their sport, swallow it, digest it, and crap it out into this rancid turd, bowel-obstructing turd. It's reverse alchemy. They took gold and managed to turn it into pig iron. 

I mean, where do we begin to catalogue the failure of this utter calamity? Not since the showrunners of the most epic saga in television history produced the stillborn baby that was Season 8 "Game of Thrones" has anyone had so much to work with and used it to create such a misguided, soul-destroying eyesore. And even they had the decency to have that one episode so dark you couldn't see what was happening. Which in the case of these uniforms, would be a blessing.

This is the opposite of creativity. It is a debacle. It shouldn't be worn. It should be encased in lead-lined concrete and buried deep into the core of the Earth, never to emerge. Or rocketed into the sun. Except I'd be worried an accident at launch could release this uniform and it would infect us all. 

Those are just some of my thoughts. Here are others. Let's start with the logo, which we've known about for weeks:

They were going for the 3-D effect of the horn of an actual ram. What they produced instead is what you'd get if the Mozilla Firefox icon had sex with the logo for a local early morning newscast. The old, classic helmet design was good enough for Jack Youngblood and Eric Dickerson and Marshall Faulk and changing it for the sake of changing it is finding a solution where no problem exists.

Next, the unis. So, so many questions.

Why is the symbolic significance of the gradated numbers? I guess they're going for a unique look. And they succeeded at least as far as no one else will copy this. Because all it does is remind me I need to order a new color cartridge for my printer. And that according to the Hydration Charts, my urine is telling me I need to drink more water. 

Next, why is there a name tag on the shoulder like they're walking into their high school reunion? 

Next, what's this white jersey doing with a yellow line down the middle of the shoulder number, and two tones of color? And the numbers curling on themselves like Twizzlers?

I have no idea what effect they were going for. But the one they got was something a guy airbrushed onto the side of his panel van to advertise his tattoo parlor. 

So my thoughts are I hate this so much I'm actually looking forward to hate-watching Rams games so I can hate it even more when it's in action. So at least in that respect, it's not a total loss.