Sorry to put it so eloquently in the headline but you gotta get it across quickly & efficiently.
From The Philly Voice, reporting from a city & state where we would NEVER:
Stop urinating and defecating in public parks or face the consequences.
That's the message New Jersey officials are sending after park police reported an "inordinate amount" of urine and feces being left behind in water bottles since parks reopened.
State and county parks reopened on May 2, but public restrooms are stayed closed to mitigate the spread of COVID-19. But that doesn't mean that relieving oneself in public is acceptable, state officials said.
"There is a zero tolerance policy for that," New Jersey State Police Superintendent Col. Pat Callahan said. "The whole idea behind the parks is to give our citizens the ability to go out there and enjoy fresh air and have time outside. That report from the park police was certainly disheartening to say the least.
Gov. Phil Murphy echoed the message.
"You're not gonna get a warning if we catch you leaving something like that behind," Murphy said. "Folks, please don't do that."
We all know that shutting down bathrooms in out-there public places where there are none means there's gonna be pee & dumpers all over the damn park, and that pee & dumpers all over the damn park is a recipe for more illness, but instead of doing the simple, smart, no-brainer, logical thing that everyone knows is best - opening the bathrooms - they will kindly ask that you just "please don't do that".
Hey, I get that hands are tied up in all sorts of red tape, but big time concerns here… "Not doing that" is impossible with your audience, New Jersey leadership. I've been talking to my parents daily and one of their best escapes during this time is the open air & space of their local bike trails & parks. And if I know anything about our treasured olds it's that 1) they flutter to parks like moths to a flame and 2) when they gotta go they GOTTA GO.
No offense to my parents who are wonderful, intelligent, classy folks, but every time they come visit in NYC I map out which hotel lobbies we're going to pass by in case of an emergency. You can't tell them to just hold it in until they get home when they've had Fiber One cereal & coffee for breakfast & then hoofed it on a 3 mile speed walk. You're gonna have nuggets all over your park.
Eh, in hindsight maybe it's not a government gagglef*ck thing and it's just a Jersey thing…
::New Jersey High School superintendent has entered the chat::