Bad News: The World Naked Bike Ride Has Been Canceled. Good News: They Still Encourage You to Bike Ride Naked

You may not be aware of the existence of the World Naked Bike Ride and all the work they do to make the world a better, cleaner, healthier, and more old-weirdo-genitalia-filled place. Or perhaps you only know about them from the unfortunate erection incident from a few years ago. 

But if you are a big fan of the sport of naked cycling and have been looking forward to the Tour de Wang to come along and salvage some part of this chthonic hellscape we call 2020, I hate to break (brake? This no time for puns) it to you, but you nude bike riding enthusiasts are in for some bad news.

Source - Oregon bicyclists have received some bad news — the World Naked Bike Ride has been canceled due to the COVID-19 crisis.

The annual June bike ride, which aims to raise awareness for dangers cyclists face on the road while also protesting “against society’s dependency on oil,” has been altered due to the coronavirus pandemic.

However, Portland doesn't have to put its pants on just yet.

The annual June bike ride, which aims to raise awareness for dangers cyclists face on the road while also protesting “against society’s dependency on oil,” has been altered due to the coronavirus pandemic.

However, Portland doesn't have to put its pants on just yet. 

According to the website for Oregon’s World Naked Bike Ride, the collective ride is pivoting to a “World Naked Bike Ride DAY,” with no start location, start time or designated route. With this change in place, the site is now encouraging people to hop on their bikes and pedal around in the buff on June 27th — as long as they practice proper social distancing.

The decision to modify the yearly event came back in April, when organizers announced on Facebook the 2020 ride “will look vastly different than years previous.” 

As for the rest of us, the ones who aren't deranged exhibitionists, this last part is also bad news. Because by "look vastly different" the organizers aren't suggesting these crackpots put on pants and shirts. No, these old creeps still be hanging brain and treating unsuspecting motorists and pedestriant to their mobile Lemon Party. If it's your intention to take your family out to Portland hoping to see restaurants and shops and tourist attractions in a late June, post-Rona world, the WNBR is assuring you the kids will still get treated to paled, wrinkled, ancient ass wrapped around a bike seat and white pube-covered yam bags flattened out like punctured exercise balls.

So I'm glad they told us. We've been hearing a lot lately about how in the end, the lockdown will give birth to a new societal order, with a renewed spirit of togetherness and cooperation among us all. But it's good to find out now that it's going to be business as usual, so we're not disappointed later. Rest assured, the New Normal will include the same Old Abnormal. 

Oh, and that part about how the bollocky riders will need to practice social distancing? No problemo. How does staying 3,000 miles away from them sound?