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Today in Florida: Lizard Sets World Record for Largest Pound-for-Pound Shit in History

New York Post — A super-constipated Florida reptile has broken the record for the largest mass of feces ever discovered in a living animal — relative to its size, that is.

When scientists at the University of Florida first discovered the rotund reptile near a Cocoa Beach pizza joint, they assumed she was pregnant and about to give birth.

But when they went to check for eggs, “it just felt like it was full of Silly Putty,” said researcher Natalie Claunch in a statement.

A CT scan revealed the lady lizard was bursting with 22 grams of poop — accounting for 80 percent of its total weight.

Nothing but respect for a true legend of the game, which was discovered with the largest feces-to-body-mass ratio ever recorded in a living animal. Eighty percent of its body weight. EIGHTY!

We’ve all been there when a great evening at Chili’s Bar and Grill turns into a long night on the john. Now imagine that one-pounder being anywhere from 80 pounds to 240 or so for us bigger fellas. Unreal.

“They assumed it was pregnant.” What did this big boy get ahold of? Whatever it was, it was obviously some pretty good stuff.

“I was blown away by how little room there was left for all the other organs,” Florida Museum researcher Edward Stanely says in the statement.

“It has only a tiny space left over in its rib cage for the heart, lungs and liver.”

Intestines? No thank you, I have to make room for literally all the food I can handle before my body explodes. The more I read on this little guy, the more of myself I see in this lizard.

Unfortunately, the lizard had to be euthanized for the scientists to study what exactly happened, but it went out with a world record that I’m not sure could ever be broken.

RIP to a real one.