Kidney stones! How many of us have them? Kidney stones! Ones we can depend on.
Every man knows that there are very few outside threats to the physical well-being of the penis. We could bulldoze our schlongs with a Mac truck and they would pop back into shape like nothing happened. Far more dangerous are the perils from within; STIs, prostate problems, or the dreaded kidney stones.
Which brings us to today's topic. Invasive grundle surgery.
To this day, kidney stones are incredibly difficult and painful to break up and that's after years of innovation. Back in the day, kidney stones would kill you if not dealt with properly, so doctors had to bust those things up the only way they knew how; invasive surgery through that one flap between your butt crack and your nutsack.
The tools they used weren't exactly the top of the line Medtronic medical equipment. It looked more like a Saw torture kit.
The procedures of the surgery were as follows:
- Get Doped Up - the doctors would pump you with a bunch of opiates and mandragora, which is a type of mandrake, which is a root that was used a narcotic, hallucinogen and truth serum, so while the doc is plumbing around in your taint, you might accidentally confess that you like it.
- Get Strapped In - you get laid out on the table with your legs over your head, arms are strapped to table, knees are strapped to chest, then four strong men hold you down on top of all that. What a dream job, the henchman for an anus surgery.
- Stabilize The Stone - the surgeon inserts a tool called an itinerarium INTO YOUR PENIS and ALL THE WAY UP INTO YOUR BLADDER to hold the stone in place. How could a penis ever snap back from this?
- Create A New Butthole - the doc then takes a scalpel and cuts a three inch incision into your gooch. The entire procedure could take less than a minute, but you're signing up for a lifetime of guessing games, wondering whether any slop is going to leak out of your newest orifice.
- Capture The Stone - finally, the doctor peels back your newfound gash, cuts into your bladder and snatches your stone with a pair of "duck-billed forceps", after which he presumably holds the stone over his head like he a just caught the Snitch in a game of Quiddich.
One of the men who was lucky enough to undergo this blessed surgery was named Samuel Pepys. Pepys kept a diary for the rest of his life (starting at 27, two years after the surgery) and it was one of the main things he talked about. He saved the stone, polished it, and wrote about it frequently.
And because we live in a very weird, fantastic time, there has been a twitter account tweeting his diary out 140 to 280 characters at a time over the last decade. Surely enough, the account relives being "cut of the stone" quite frequently.
This event was so traumatic that it informed this man's thought process for the rest of his days. He was tortured by it, with PTSD from a medical procedure that made his life better. Perhaps rightfully so, because the kidney stone they removed was the size of a tennis ball.
My main concern after learning all this was how do I avoid EVER getting a kidney stone. I found these things listed:
- drink more water
- eat foods with more calcium
- eat less salt, sugar, high fructose corn syrup
- drink OJ, but avoid vitamin C supplements (huh?)
- eat fewer animal based proteins
- crush lots of apple cider vinegar and bananas
I don't know if any of that is real, but I saved you the google. I will be following this entire list to keep those doctors and their grubby forceps away from my perineum.
And if you enjoyed any of this, come join Caleb and I as we discuss all holes on tonight's installment of Rabbit Hole, viewable on Barstool's YouTube page.