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Kim Jong Isn’t Dead, Apparently Hes In Hiding With His “Pleasure Squad” Harem of 2,000 Women

NY Post - If Kim Jong Un is holed up in his luxe seaside hideaway in the port city of Wonsan, he may have plenty of company — a harem of 2,000 sex slaves, a report said Friday. The North Korean dictator resurrected his late grandfather’s “Pleasure Squad” of secret sex entertainers in 2015, The Sun reported. And while the dictator’s location and the state of his health remain a mystery, some reports say he fled to a luxury resort in the port city located along the eastern side of the Korean Peninsula to avoid catching the coronavirus — and the UK paper speculates that he might have his harem with him. “It’s within the walls of his ultra-protected palaces that his Pleasure Squad provides entertainment for high-ranking North Korean officials,” the paper reported. The 2,000-strong harem is said to be made to sing and dance for the nation’s elite — but also take part in bizarre sexual games and orgies.

Kim Jong you slippery old horn dog, you! He ain’t dead ain’t all. Not even a little bit. As a matter of fact if you were to ask me what the polar opposite of dead is, it’s this. Living in a special gangbang palace with 2,000 women who are at your service to pamper you and play games and fuck you. That’s L I V I N, folks.

Kinda makes perfect sense given the circumstances. If you’re gonna have a 2,000 Pleasure Squad, what better time to put that into use than right now. Shit hit the fan and the world went down the toilet and Kimmy Jong was like “check your lease, man! Because you’re living on FUCK ISLAND!” If there’s ever place to quarantine, it’s within the ultra fortified walls of a palace designed to keep you and your two thousand orgy participants safe. I mean compare this to how you’re living in quarantine. I’m living alone in the hood of Mount Vernon on the verge of giving into the Only Fans temptation and dangerously close to ordering some sort of Fleshlight device. And let me tell you, when the levees break on both of those dams, somebody call FEMA because I’m gonna fucking drown. I’m not just gonna subscribe to NoFaceGirl’s Only Fans and buy your traditional Fleshlight. I’m gonna subscribe to like 20 of them and I’m gonna buy a full blown sex doll. Once we break that  barrier, there’s no turning back. You can’t put that toothpaste back in the tube. If you’re gonna be an only fans guy who fucks inanimate objects you might as well go all the way.

Anyway, compare that to Dear Leader. He’s living in a fortified Fuck Castle with TWO THOUSAND chicks to do his bidding. And we’re not just talking about straight up banging him. We’re talking full service. Probably massages and gourmet meals. We’re talking the full treatment. They even said bizarre sexual games. What do you think that even means? You think they are all getting naked playing Balderdash and blowing this guy???? You thing they’re playing Boggle and banging? That would be pretty goddam sweet. I bet the ladies wouldn’t even mind that either. Sure, kinda sucks to have to bang Kim Jong Un. But at least you’re living lavish when the rest of the world is locked down and lonely and board. 

The problem is, of course, that’s not where Kim Jong stops. It’s not just Balderdash and Boggle and some big cums before bed. I can’t even IMAGINE how lascivious and lewd that evil toad gets. Like King Joffrey on his birthday when he was gonna make that one chick do horrible things to that prostitute with that fucking staff with the antlers on top?? Remember that?? I didn’t know WHAT was about to happen with that staff but I remember thinking, that’s not good for business, that’s not good for anybody. I’m sure Kim Jong is doing all sorts of shit like that. I bet that’s reason there’s 2,000 of them. Because he’s probably chopping their heads off and shit when he’s done. Like some reverse Praying Mantis shit. Some totally fucked up stuff. That’s what Kim Jong does, dude. He always goes too far and ruins it. If he just was like the guy who likes Dennis Rodman and told everyone he got a hole in on every time he played golf and partied with 2,000 chicks when we all thought he was dead, it would be all good! We’d all be able to like him. But of course the problem is he’s a homicidal, genocidal maniac who feeds people to dogs and blows people up with rocket launchers. Decidedly NOT cool and way, way far over the line.

But regardless of all those details, no matter what I’d say we need to get some better international intelligence over in North Korea. Because if reports are saying he died during heart surgery and in reality he was having a 2,000 person orgy...I mean that’s not even in the same area code. SAMSONITE! I was way off! Not even fucking close, man. Somebody at the CIA or some intelligence department needs to get the boot because declaring somebody dead when they’re actually the Mayor of Fuck City is a flat out firable