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Let's Maybe Stop Pulling Knives On People Who Are Not Practicing Proper Social Distancing

CAMBRIDGE CHRONICLE - A Cambridge man has been arrested on the charge of assault with a dangerous weapon after he allegedly pulled a knife on a jogger for not properly social distancing, according to police.

Listen, I know we've been in quarantine for quite some time. I understand that maybe by now cabin fever has kicked in and you're getting a little restless, a little bored. Maybe you're tired of pretending to know the subject you're teaching your kids and maybe they're driving you so crazy it makes you want to stab someone.

Believe me, I get it. I don't want children because I don't want to be pushed to that inevitable point. But you can't just go around assaulting (allegedly) people over a mask.

The jogger, a 29-year-old Cambridge man, told officers he was running on Putnam Avenue toward Massachusetts Avenue when he saw a man, later identified as Michael Nichols, 43, of Cambridge, with two young children walking on the same side of the sidewalk.

Poor guy was probably just happy to be out of the house. All he wanted to do was stretch his legs for a bit and take in the fresh air and spring blossoms. I'm sure the moment he saw the dad strolling with his kids, he thought about how lovely it was to see a man killin' the dad game. 

Little did he know that wouldn't be the only thing the dad would try to kill. 

The jogger said he had planned to run into the street, around the three, to allow for proper social distancing, but before he moved off the sidewalk, Nichols allegedly pulled out a knife and told the guy to “get the f*** on the other side of the street.”

I'll tell you this, I bet that jogger never ran so fast in life. If he was looking for fitness motivation, it doesn't get better than running like you're being chased, or in this case, like a knife's been pulled on you.

The jogger said he complied and then called police, telling them he had been approximately 30-40 feet away from Nichols and the two children when the knife was pulled.

Officers located a man matching the description of the suspect, walking with two children and a dog on Dodge Street by Western Avenue. Nichols said he had told the jogger to cross the street but had not pulled out a knife. He consented to a pat-down and no weapon was found.

Of course no weapon was found! Any ordinary criminal knows you can't keep the weapon you just used to assault/kill/threaten someone. Even the dumb ones know that! 

Take O.J. for example: he may have left his hair everywhere, his blood everywhere, Nicole's blood everywhere - including in his car and home, bloody shoe prints, and the glove, but you know what was never recovered? The weapon. Why? Because he knew that the one thing even he couldn't evade (eh) was the murder weapon. 

Officers searched the area and reportedly found a black pocket knife with a silver blade approximately 4 inches long on top of yard waste two houses away from where police approached Nichols.

On top of yard waste? Dude, come on. That's just lazy. First, you bust out a knife in front of your children to threaten a man, and then you toss the knife on top of a pile of freshly cut grass? So not only are you teaching your kids violence, but you're also showing them how to get arrested after committing said crime? 

Not good. Not good at all. 

Maybe let's just not pull a knife on someone because they aren't wearing a mask and avoid the whole thing. Or maybe just stop pretending you're the king of the sidewalk for a minute and cross the damn street yourself.