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Top 5 '80s Movies That Disney+/Hulu Needs To Add STAT

Hey Disney/Hulu, if you/ESPN can get bullied into airing "The Last Dance" two months ahead of schedule, then surely you can be bullied by my blog into adding movies that you already own to the premium movie service(s) that you charge money for. I'm referring mostly to films under the Touchstone label. I know Disney+ is the kiddie label so it doesn't allow Rated R shit, just psyche-scarring movies where half the population gets offed, a son watches his father get trampled to death, (SPOILER ALERT) everybody dies, babies get put in grave danger, and ATTACK OF THE CLONES.

Back in the early-to-mid '80s, the Disney movie label wasn't shit. It was still living mostly off the animation of its past. Save for the rare TRON or THE JOURNEY OF NATTY GANN, the so-called Mouse House was an afterthought as a purveyor of fine films.  The company realized it needed edgier fare, stuff to rope in adult dollars. Enter Touchstone Pictures. 

Their first release, a funny and touching Ron Howard film about [SPOILER ALERT] a guy who fucks a mermaid, was a major hit and SPLASH can be streamed on Disney+ because it's rated PG. Because back in the pre-PG-13 days, you had to earn your R. Titties? Nope. F-bombs? Nah. Need some straight fucking or Jason Voorhees eviscerating mofos to get the R-Rating.

Unfortunately, that's about the only adult-oriented early Touchstone classic that you can get from Disney +/Hulu. And that's some bullshit. Yo, Disney/Hulu, you own them, people want them. Stop sending us to other services so we have to rent them. Add the following movies to Hulu/Disney+ now. 

1. DOWN AND OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS. (1986) The first Disney flick to feature the scarlet R is also one of the funniest of the decade. Featuring '80s superstars Bette Midler, Nick Nolte, and Richard Dreyfuss, Nolte plays a bum who tries to end it all in the pool owned by couple Midler and Dreyfuss. He gets saved, they let him stay for a stretch, and the proverbial hilarity ensues. Mike the dog (above) steals the show. Little Richard shows up. DAOIBH hilariously sends up the yuppie asshole '80s. I saw this one with the old man a little before I turned 14 and it's definitely one of the Top 3 Most Laughs we had at a flick. No reason this movie shoudn't be made available on Hulu yesterday. Get on it.

2. NEVER CRY WOLF. (1983) If ever a movie was calling for a Blu-ray/digitial upgrade, it's this stunning-to-look-at movie about a government scientist sent to the Arctic to study caribou but wolves steal the show instead. I first watched this on a goddamn Betamax in Vermont when I was 12. And those details are pretty indicative of how much NEVER CRY WOLF made an impression on me. Charles Martin Smith, a Hall of Fame character actor, is excellent as the scientist in what almost feels like a nature film at times. The late Brian Dennehy also shows up as a local pilot with a little bit of Han Solo in him (roguish charm, snaking it til he's making it). This quiet, gorgeous film fits Disney+'s ratings qualifications. Get it on there.

3. RUTHLESS PEOPLE. (1986) Danny DeVito crushes his role as a loaded piece of shit who knows he's a piece of shit and relishes the role. Two dipshits kidnap his wife for ransom but there's a problem. He doesn't want her back so he just fucks with the kidnappers until things eventually come to a head. Judge Reinhold and Helen Slater play the pair of bumbling ransom-seekers who inadvertently inspire their 'victim' Bette Midler, hilarious again here. Bill Pullman almost steals the picture as yet another dipshit (this movie is a bit of a pre-cursor to DUMB AND DUMBER). DeVito practically earns the R himself in this Globe-nominated role. Hulu, let's go.

4. THE COLOR OF MONEY. (1986) This sequel to the 1961 pool hall classic THE HUSTLER also served as a bit of a 'passing of the baton' film, with established icon Paul Newman sharing the screen with an up-and-coming icon in Tom Cruise. Newman won his lone acting Oscar in 10 tries for his work here and it was also his second nomination for playing "Fast Eddie" Felson (though some feel it was more of a belated Best Actor win after he got screwed in THE VERDICT). Masterfully directed by Marty Scorsese, it's a treat to watch these two as Cruise works on solidifying the cocky, toothsome archetype that he eventually carves out for himself. This rated-R gem needs a home and Hulu has an extra bed. 

5. COCKTAIL. (1988) The cheese is off the charts in this Cruise vehicle in which his plays a biz school student who plans on wisely investing all of the cash that he makes bartending in NYC. And I mean that in the best way possible. COCKTAIL is a classic '80s flick in that critics couldn't stand it but audiences couldn't get enough of its simple story of Tom Cruise getting loads of ass on his way to retiring early thanks to his MBA. [SPOILER ALERT] But then he falls in love with Liz Shue, knocks her up, and finds out that God laughs when you make plans (shout-out Al Swearengen). Featuring Bryan Brown as well, this flick has a tractor beam for '80s kids because they know "Kokomo" is just around the corner. Also, Shue, Gina Gershon, and Kelly Lynch were all throwing high heat which certainly didn't hurt. Get there fast then take it slow.

(There's a possibility that some of these properties have been sold off/pilfered since the source info was posted.)

Next up, Top 5 '90s Flicks that Hulu/Disney+ needs to add.