The Barstool Fund - In Support Of The 30 Day FundLearn More

If You Thought NFL Draft Prospects Had Tragic Family Lives, You Should See What Kind Of Shit Super Heroes Had To Endure

ESPN's NFL Draft Producer While Reading This Thread:

A++++++++ work out of Fitz here. This entire time, I thought the reason I didn't become an NFL player or a superhero was because I have always been a fat, lazy asshole that would rather eat a 20 piece nuggets instead of life a 20 pound weight. Instead, it turns out the I fell short of my two dream jobs is because I had a happy childhood filled with no comically outlandish tragedies to my immediate family. Is that a trade I would make now that I am earning a blogger's living by puddling smut from my basement?

Just kidding mom and dad! I think I love you guys way too much to have traded the warm memories of my youth for unfathomable riches and glory, along with the requisite CTE. Plus if we are being honest, if I had to endure any sort of hardship in my life close to what those NFL prospects had to, it wouldn't have led to me lifting all those weights. Instead, it would have led to me lifting even more double cheeseburgers and Supersize fries into my mouth, which would have made the already lumpy man you see today look like a 90s Calvin Klein model in comparison, if I even made it to 2020. Whoa, that got dark real quick. I think I have to go reread all those tragedies again that somehow get even funnier every time you read them because "Parents killed by teammates best friend" had me howling and I'm as much Team Stark as anybody on the planet and Thor reliving Loki's death like its Groundhog Day on top of everyone he has ever loved dying is some pitch black dark yet hilarious shit.

Nerdy Sidenote: I hope that the MCU leans into this phenomenon of heroes becoming super due to tragedy in their lives and have Thanos snapping away someone's family as the thing that inspired at least one of the upcoming new heroes Disney acquired from FOX to take up the cape life. I know Hawkeye already walked that path becoming Ronin. But I don't think anyone has a problem with Hawkeye not being the face of that, or any, movement