I’ve never been one to conventionally or anatomically attract women, so for the past six years or so I’ve been keeping a close eye on things I can do to appeal to them better. And when I say that, I mean that I’ve been bookmarking and screenshotting popular tweets from random girls about specific attributes that make guys come across as more "attractive" or "sexy" to them. And finally, for the first time in my social media career, I think I’m ready to put all those suggestions to the test and attempt to become the perfect man.
Step 1: Have dirty hands
Sure, the perceived sexiness of a man with dirty hands stems from the assumption that he recently accomplished a masculine, blue-collar task in order to acquire those filthy paws. But girls these days only care/know about the final product. Maybe my hands got so dirty from changing the tires and repairing the carburetor on a Ford F-350 with 18,000 pounds of towing capacity. Then again, maybe they got so grimy from my general lack of basic human hygiene. Who’s to know?
Step 2: Have a nose ring
I’ve never been into needles or piercings, but I don’t think I’d shy away from a little nose accessory. Especially if the females love it. Especially especially if the females in New York City love it.
That appointment is about as good as booked.
Step 3: Wear a Carhartt beanie
I still can’t really tell if the Carhartt brand is meant for people who raise cattle for a living or people who raise cocaine money on OnlyFans for a living, but I’m open to any fashion accessory that can simultaneously conceal my deformed ears, colossal forehead, and Neaderthalic head of hair.
Step 4: Be good with kids
Infants and toddlers are my bread and butter. Hell, they always have been. But sometimes my early childhood cum laude master’s degree and professional experience in the field aren’t enough to sell women on that fact.
Girls these days need tangible proof that you’re good with kiddos. And paying local parents to have photoshoots with their biracial babies and tossing the pics on my Instagram Story isn’t cutting it anymore.
I need to show these girls what I’m truly capable of in real-time.
Step 5: Be focused on only one girl
I’ve always been a straight shooter when it comes to pursuing chicks. My biggest flaw is that my heart can’t multitask. Neither can my penis. And if I have to use performance enhancing apparatuses to accomplish that better and focus more clearly on one girl, then I’ll be damned if I don’t go the extra mile. Even if it's in the 842.6 acres of Central Park where she goes on her morning jogs every day.
Step 6: Say “come here” when she’s angry/distressed
Ehhh...interesting verbiage for a sexual turn-on in my opinion. But undoubtedly a simple, two-word phrase that I could utter under pressure without my anxiety-induced lisp coming out to play.
Step 7: Wear a chain/necklace
Step 8: Openly love Jesus
As a longtime Catholic school student whose Confirmation and Intro to Spanish name were both Jesus, I truly doubt it could even be debated that I don’t love the man.
But sometimes, that can be hard to tell just from looking or talking to me in person. Especially during a first date/interaction.
Luckily, I think I can kill at least a couple birds with one stone with this one.
Step 9: Wear the right outfit
My social media handle is (unfortunately) based in truth. I have absolutely no idea how to dress myself or “look cool” unless someone (on Twitter) tells and shows me specifically what to wear. Fortunately, I stumbled upon a viral tweet doing exactly that.
And I actually already own that outfit.
Alrighty, I think that’ll do. But before I go through the long and costly process of turning myself into this perfect man, I figured I’d get a little glimpse of what I’d potentially look like first...
Wait, that’s not right....