Australian Mastiff (Read: A Very Big Fucking Dog) Gives Birth To TWENTY ONE Puppies Over The Weekend

QUEENSLAND, Australia (WJW) – A Neapolitan Mastiff named Shadow is making international headlines after giving birth to a litter of 21 puppies, which broke the Australian record of 19.

“Shadow was so flat when she arrived, and we learned from her owner she had delivered three puppies at home already. After four hours of no activity and a puppy that didn’t make it, her owner brought her into us expecting the worst,” veterinarian Dr Patrycja Zimmermann said.

Once they examined her, they realized she was carrying more puppies and immediately got her into surgery. It took a team of 10 vets and nurses to assist in the removal of the other 18 puppies. Shadow is now recovering at home with her owners and pups.

My wife randomly asked me the other night if I'd be interested in having kids soon and I almost died. Bringing kids into this world right now? Are you dry fuckin the S out of me? I'm trying to stream the '98 finals and build up an instagram following, not ruin my life with responsibilities and fatherhood. Aint nobody got time for that bullshit right now, which is the complete opposite of what I said to Mrs. Carl in real time. 

WHAT AN EXCITING IDEA. Let's talk after Cinco de Mayo

Booming punt that goes out of the back of the endzone. The pregnancy ball will be placed on my wife's 20 yard line as she begins another drive down field. In the meantime I get to take a breather and reorganize my offensive line play. Obviously I'm going to need a bump in my protection if I get out of this half alive. 

Now take my unrelenting anxiety and multiply it by twenty fucking one. All those big mouths to feed from all those good boys is an absolute nightmare for a bum like me. Nobody has that kind of scratch laying around where you can easily raise of a family nearing two dozen bodies. Although one time I worked with this guy who was the youngest of 15 and he had some cool stories about how his older brothers once occupied 5 lineup spots on the local high school baseball team. Talk about a scouting report but I digress. 

Point is dogs are awesome and I love this Australian Mastiff for loading up at a time when dog adoptions are thru the roof. If ever we needed a litter of 21 gorgeous boys and girls, now is that time. Smart people like me call that Supply and Demand while even smarter people actually understand the dynamics

I don't so I'll just say that if you want to get a dog, now would be a pretty good time provided you're not terrified of fatherhood like me. Pussies.