Have you ever gone out to the bar, had a few whiskey sours, and went home with someone you thought was a total smoke and then were shocked to wake up next to someone that was VASTLY different than you remember? That girl you thought was Emily Ratajkowski's doppelganger was actually closer to Susan Boyle's?
Yeah. Charge it to the game.
Beer goggles, they get you every time. They'll turn a down linemen into an InstaThot quicker than you can say, "barkeep, another shot of Jagermeister, please. And make it a triple."
No matter how much I may have blamed previous bad decision making on the Hennie and the effect it has on my aesthetic scaling system, the truth is, I never really believed it was a real thing.
Science now tells us it is.
According to the Irish Mirror, the psychologists at Edge Hill University in Ormskirk, Lancashire have found that beer goggles actually exist - and it only takes a few drinks to put them on.
Psychologists tested 129 students, with 80 drinking and the rest staying sober (poor guys).
The guinea pigs were shown pictures of male and female faces on a computer and asked to perform a simple task while trying to ignore the images.
The study found the sober students were distracted more by attractive faces, while the drinkers were far less fussy.
When you have your beer goggles on, it's not just pretty faces that are distracting, EVERYONE looks so alarmingly attractive, that they become a distraction, which of course, is the root of so, so many of our problems. But at least you now know the source of it, and it happens to be found in the bottom of a bottle of beer.
WHEW. That does that make me feel better about some of my decisions.
The funniest thing about this story is that the English are the ones to prove that beer goggles DO exist. Sort of fitting really, considering that without liquor laden sex the English very well may have disappeared as a race eons ago.
Just look at them.
And now we can add to the very real idea of Beer Goggles a new phenomenon that I think will be even more potent than too much Patron on Mardis Gras... It's called Quarantine. Guaranteed when we get out, we'll be down to rip the facemasks off of the first person closer than 6 feet that glances in our direction. No alcohol needed baby, although of course, we'll all be drunk anyway. Isolation is the new IPA and I think after all this solo time, we'll all be adding a new COVID lens to our already existing Beer Goggles.
Lord save us, because the morning after is going to be a world-class shit show.