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Val Kilmer Opens Up About His Past Loves, Including Angelina Jolie, And Let's Just Say He's One Horny Weirdo

It's not often that I think of Val Kilmer. In fact, when I hear "Kilmer" the first person I think of is not Val Kilmer, but Bud Kilmer, the head coach of the West Cannan Coyotes. Sure he's a fictional character from the 90s, but you just can't forget a legendary prick like Coach Kilmer when he's in a legendary movie like Varsity Blues. Certainly not when that movie introduced you - a 12-year-old at the time - to knee injections, the pain of the game, quarters, puke and rally, "she broke my heart, so I broke her jaw," a thousand different names for a penis penis penis, and one of the greatest lines ever said in a West Texas accent:

Oh and, of course, one the most epic, sexiest scenes of all-time: 

So yeah, I don't often think of Val Kilmer. 

But based on the little I've read about him from his own personal memoir, I'm Your Huckleberry via The Post, I can pretty much guarantee you he's seen that whipped bikini scene on several occasions. Except he wouldn't describe it in a normal, obvious way; he would have some sort of elaborate explanation that seems a bit... off. Kind of like his love for Ellen Barkin. 

“I remember her wit, her sultry eyes, but mostly her laugh,” Kilmer recounted of his short-lived ’80s relationship. “And her hair. Who remembers the softness of a woman’s hair? If you ever have a chance to consensually ever so gently touch Ellen’s hair, it will be worth the look she’s gonna drop on you.”

"Who remembers the softness of a woman's hair?" Well, I would assume if her hair was that soft, most people would remember, I guess. But they probably wouldn't advise randoms to "ever so gently" touch a random celebrity's hair. And while I appreciate the use of the word "consensually," it somehow has a reverse effect here. Feels forced. In the end, all I can think of is Kilmer watching Barkin brush her hair, just aching to feel its softness for himself.

The “Tombstone” actor also wrote of his intense friendship with Michelle Pfeiffer in the ’80s, who he met through her ex-husband Peter Horton. 

“The secret pain that Michelle and I shared created an intimacy between us,” he wrote, also noting that he nursed an “all-consuming crush” on Pfeiffer’s younger sister Dee Dee Pfeiffer, who “did not seem to reciprocate, even a little. In fact, she seemed to not even know I existed.”

Hmm… I wonder why? Perhaps it's because he wrote a poem about her older sister entitled The Pfiffer Howls at the Moon. Not weird at all. 

Then again, I guess a poem is better than "jokingly" bargaining the inclusion of a sex scene with Angelina Jolie to the movie's director. 

He also confessed that he told [Oliver] Stone that he would only play the role “if the king and queen could have flashbacks to falling hard for each other and storming the castle with passion, before turning against each other.” Kilmer admitted that he “was only half kidding,” but Stone “didn’t pick up on the humor.”

Ah, the classic ol' "just kidding!" you throw out there when you don't get the reaction you were hoping for. 

Creeper: "Why did you change out of the red shirt you were wearing earlier?"
Creepee: "Excuse me? How do you know what I was wearing earlier? I was home all day." 

Creeper: "Lolllll I don't know what you were wearing earlier! I was just kidding! What a wild coincidence!" 

Yeah, Oliver Stone wasn't going to fall for that shit. He and the entire movie set could probably smell his desperation.  

“I couldn’t wait to kiss Angie, buy her [a] Gulfstream jet and have V+J painted in rainbow glory on the tail.”

To be fair, Angelina Jolie has ridiculously luscious lips. Who wouldn't want to kiss them? But to offer up a jet with V+J painted on the tail, well that's just tacky. I mean, that was his move with Daryl Hannah, the so-called love of his life. You can't just go around carving initials every time a new crush develops. 

Or maybe you can? What the hell do I know. I'm sitting here single as can be, criticizing a man who got the girl, time after time. Angelina Jolie? Yeah, she fell for his obsession. Sure, this was right after she wore a necklace filled with Billy Bob Thorton's blood, but he still kissed those lips. 

And Cindy Crawford's. And Cher's. And Bridget Bardot's. 

Yup. I'm just gonna leave it right there.