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Animal Crossing’s Tom Nook Deserves To Be Murdered

I recently started playing Animal Crossing on Nintendo Switch based on the recommendations of several online pals. Call of Duty is so fast that I barely have anytime to react before I get murdered in cold blood while standing in an empty hut searching for loot.

Animal Crossing is supposed to be different. You’re able to glide over creeks with a wooden pole, fish, pull weeds, smash rocks with hammers, and shake trees until peaches and what have you fall out. You then collect those fruits for payment or nourishment. Lovely! You are supposed to help your neighbors settle their lands and provide them clothing if need be. Delightful. Just people helping people except for this one rapscallion Tom Nook. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing while happening to be a raccoon with anthropomorphic qualities. Despicable to say the least.  

Tom Nook is a dictator without actualized violence... yet. All he cares about is bells, which are like bones because they are the money.

Anyway, I thought this game was going to essentially be a little Utopia that I was able to name, albeit with governmental oversight and influence. Let me explain, I wanted to name my island Clit because it would be impossible to find. Get it? The game wouldn’t let me so I panicked and named my island Bean. I didn’t think through the name. It was weird telling Ria what my island’s name was. I’m embarrassed. I’m too old to be naming my island Clit. I know that now.

Like I was saying, I really wish Tom Nook would get off my back. I also wish that I wouldn’t have turned the game off too quickly the other day because my newly-acquired hot dog outfit is gone and so are 400k bells that a nice lady named Rachel gave me. I’ll never get those things back and I’ll never acquiesce Tom Noon to make my island Animal Crossing life about bells and work. It’s about leisure, pure and simple, Tom. Anything else is the worst parts of capitalism personified smh. I don’t know if it’s possible but I’m going to try to murder Tom Nook and place his body in the ocean.

Shoutout to Oscar the DoDo tho. That mother fucker works his dick off. He better chill or he’ll be extinct soon. 

I’m coming for you, Tom. Prepare your fluffy ass.